Pile-up
by jammyjamfan
Summary: What if you were in a very wrong place at the very wrong time...but you survived when maybe you shouldn't have. What if it changed everything around you and inside you. What if you thought you were trapped between the living and the dead. Terrible description...but hopefully a great story. Fiction. No other details as it will spoil the story. There will be cliffhangers.
1. Chapter 1

_new story...yay_  
 _I know I haven't finished some other stories... and I am sorry...but I recently learned that if I push one story I can actually disrupt a new story that is flowing well on it's own...so I am just doing everything in whatever way my brain likes to do it. I will finish the others at some point but this idea popped into my head when...I can't remember what triggered it actually...silly memory lol. I've actually written a large portion of it but there is no ending quite yet...so feel free to voice your thoughts. And it also doesn't have a really good moral or anything...yet. It's just pure fiction. Description could probably be better too.  
Would love to hear your thoughts :D  
Anyway, much love as always to you, Happy reading._

 _JAM xxx_

Usual disclaimers:- character names, characters characters, name, namesake, series title,etc, etc...not mine. Craziness, errors, idea...that's all mine.

* * *

 **CHAPTER 1**

* * *

 _"_ _Maura. There was a pile-up."_

"I know, Kent. It's on every television channel."

 _"_ _It's a mess. It's really bad."_

"Are you there?"

 _"_ _Yeah. I'm here. I'm not inside the zone yet. Um. I can see what's happening though. They sent me to help determine the cause."_

"It looks like the truck lost control."

There is a pause, _"Maybe. I don't know yet. They're still looking for signs of life. So far they are only pulling out bodies."_

"No survivors?"

 _"_ _Not yet. It's...um...really bad."_

"Oh. There are a lot of cars pilled up in there."

 _"_ _Yeah at least ten. Listen...Maura. You need to brace yourself."_

"Why?"

 _"_ _Are you sitting down?"_

"What is it Kent?" Maura taps her foot.

 _"_ _Maura?"_

"Fine I'm sitting...what is it?"

 _"_ _Jane's car...it's here...crashed."_

"Jane's car? You're breaking up. Did you say Jane's car is there?"

 _"_ _Yeah, It's Jane's car. Are you...are you ok?"_

"Jane's upstate for the police conference. She isn't due back till Saturday."

 _"_ _It's her car Maura. It's her number plate."_

"But it's Wednesday."

 _"_ _It's her car. I'm sorry Maura."_

"She was in the crash?" Maura sits down on the closest seat and clenches her shirt front beside her heart.

 _"_ _Her car is. I haven't seen her. Yet."_

"No." Maura takes a few deep breaths to prevent herself from screaming, "It can't be."

 _"_ _Maura?"_

"It can't be..."

Her phone drops to the ground beside her feet as she wraps her arms around her waist

* * *

It was an 11 car pile-up. Icy weather meant for icy roads. Cars without chains traveling a little to fast meant for at least one incident somewhere. But loaded trucks under tremendous weight that are unable to swerve or sharply turn without rocking or sliding or rolling were one of the most dangerous things on busy highways, especially after dark, especially after a snowfall.

Specifically a truck that was cut off by a blue mini-van. The trucker pumped his breaks just a little too hard and turned the steering wheel just a little too hard in a knee-jerk attempt to avoid a collision. The baby on board sign swinging in the back window might have been a reason he panicked a little more than usual, the white snow raining against the cab and white and red lights from cars around him bright against the snow made it harder to navigate that usual. Even driving under the speed limit that evening because of the conditions have done little to change the outcome.

The back half of the truck didn't slow with the front half, in fact...the truck trailer seemed to try to gain momentum and moved away from the cab forcing the cab to follow it with little control of it. The tires had lost traction on the icy road and veered sideways and the whole vehicle was moving with the laws of physics and no mechanical control. The driver of the mini-van would never know he was the cause of 20 deaths that night. Him and his wife and 6 month old baby were out in front of the carnage well before anyone saw it coming. If they had checked their rear-vision mirror and seen braking vehicles in both lanes and headlights moving in all directions instead of in the usual straight lines, they would still not know what happened. Even as they watched it on the news later that night they could never know they were the cause.

Only the truck driver knew exactly what happened. Only he felt the truck become it's own being and ignore it's drivers requests. Only he felt his heart sink in that moment that he knew, without a doubt, that he could do nothing to stop what was about to happen. That 32 tons of metal was traveling of it's own accord. And had he survived, he would have told someone, had he survived he would have blamed himself anyway...to avoid one small incident he had caused a far larger one. He would have taken his own life in grief and pain, he was that sort of guy, the type that cared. But when the truck cab went sideways and detached from the trailer, he was mercilessly thrown into the door followed by the roof and then the dash and finally the steering wheel cracking his skull open. The back half of the truck-trailer, once free, rolled onto it's side and slid into 2 cars in the next lane before plowing across the medium and into two-lanes of oncoming traffic. The first two cars hit the truck-trailer head-on at full speed instantly taking the lives of both drivers and two passengers in one of the cars. The cars immediately behind were too late from realization to reaction and although the brakes were applied, it was too late. Three passengers died on impact plus one driver. The other driver was taken quickly when the car behind rear-ended him.

That car had a young woman driver who had looked down for a moment to change the radio station. The next two cars in the row slamming on their brakes which at least alerted the following cars that they needed to stop. But brakes and snow or ice are a combination best avoided. Both those cars however were unable to even slow down under the conditions and both lost control and were thrown into the growing pile of metal. One lone driver died and in the other car, a mother and father as well as a 10 year old boy and his 6 year old sister.

The driver of the truck had a six year old girl, a girl that would hopefully remember how much her daddy loved her even though he never came home that night.

The next two cars, one of which was following far too close, braked earlier, the one following too close rear-ended the car in front almost instantly killing both driver and passenger.

The lone driver of the other car was braking early enough to slow them down and swerved hard to avoid the crash, eventually lost control, clipped the mangled car in front before plowing into a snow covered bank.

And the final two cars that were unable to avoid the crash altogether, managed to spin out of control and collide with the pile. They both died at the scene, one bleeding out and the other of shock. The drivers of 12 cars and all their passengers died at the scene, including the truck driver.

The one car stuck in the snow was overlooked by the first emergency teams that arrived and started the task of finding survivors. That car, half buried under a foot of fresh snow, wasn't noticed until they saw the sole occupant of the car pulling herself out of the drivers door, taking two steps, and collapsing into the snow.

"We got one." Gruff voices yelled over sirens.

Dark wavy haired, brown eyed, paled face, hands and tee-shirt covered in red blood, she was lifted out of the snow, strapped to a gurney and carefully lifted into a ambulance rescue helicopter.

She was the only survivor of the crash.

* * *

...to be continued...


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you for your comments. I love them.  
special thanks to the guest that pointed out I had the truck weight wrong. Have fixed it.  
There's gong to be a few chapters to build up into the story...I only just realised it needed it so I'm writing those right now. They will have some hidden clues...so you get to be the detective here. See if you can figure out what happened before Jane does :)

Happy reading. And many X's. JAM

* * *

 **CHAPTER 2**

 _The sole survivor is detective Jane Rizzoli._

Jane wakes at the hospital and the nurse alerts the doctor within minutes.

"I'm doctor Jacobs. You are in the Boston Emergency Department. How are you feeling?"

Jane studies her hands which are covered in several small bandages before making eye contact with the doctor.

"What happened? Why am I here?"

The doctor glances over her chart one last time before answering causing Jane's impatience to rise.

"You were in a car accident Ms Rizzoli."

Jane glares at him, "It's detective Rizzoli."

The doctor smiles just a little, probably at the crossed arms and dark look directed his way, "What is the last thing you remember Detective?"

Jane's eyes soften just a little while she thinks.

"It's kind of fuzzy, but I was driving."

"Do you know where you were going or coming from?"

Jane shakes her head slowly, angry at herself that she doesn't remember more.

"It's quite normal to have short term memory loss after this type of accident. You were brought here by helicopter. You were unconscious. You have a few scrapes and bruises. Your hands were cut by glass but are superficial. You had a nice knock to your nose but the bruising will go down in a day or two. Your ribs are slightly bruised. But you will be fine. We will keep you overnight just to monitor you in case of concussion."

"My brain bounced around inside my skull?"

Doctor Jacob's smiles, "Something like that. You are very fortunate, it was a nasty crash."

"Did I cause the crash? Is the other person ok?"

The doctor looks away for a minute and Jane holds her breath, "The police will want to speak with you when you are ready, when you remember what happened. But No...you did not cause the crash. Is there anyone I can call for you?"

"Maura."

He raises his eyebrows, "Maura Isles?"

"Yes."

"She is your emergency contact. She is already on her way."

"Ok...good"

"I'll leave you to rest. Call if you need anything."

Jane presses herself into the pillow and tries to think back...tries to remember. But she is tired and sore. She closes her eyes to wait for Maura not aware she is already half asleep.

 _She opens her eyes and tries to grab her aching head but her arms are restricted by something. It's loud like a train and rather dark. She groans but can't hear herself over the noise. A few seconds later a stranger is leaning over her. He is young and wears a blue coat with an red emblem she recognizes as one paramedics wear. He is wearing a headset that are like earmuffs. He mouths something but she can't make it out. Everything is a little blurry and it's hard to concentrate._

 _'_ _Where is my phone?" She yells at him. She needs to call Maura urgently._

 _He shakes his head. It's unclear to Jane if he can't understand her or he is saying that he doesn't know where her phone is._

 _"_ _It's in my car. I need to get it." She tries to yell over the thundering roar she now recognizes as helicopter blade spinning. She was in her car and the phone was beside her. She had checked it...and then...then she had heard a crash followed by loud thuds and metal on metal on metal._

 _The paramedic mouths something again and smiles at her._

 _She shakes her head because she doesn't know what he wants and he isn't being helpful._

 _Her face hurts and she isn't sure why. She isn't sure where she is or how she got here. It's too overwhelming and painful and so she closes her eyes again relishing is the less confusing darkness._

When Jane opens her eyes Maura is there, watching her with a worried look, like she is a specimen that must be studied.

"Jane."

One whispered word makes Jane feel like everything will be ok and she smiles. Maura gives a small smile, she mainly looks relieved. "You're ok."

It's a statement...not a question, but Jane answers anyway, "Yeah. But they won't let me go home."

"I'm not surprised. Jane. I um..." She wanted to ask why she is Jane's emergency contact but it seems relatively unimportant now she is here looking into these eyes again, "You'll go home tomorrow."

Jane shrugs sadly and Maura reaches out to touch her hand, letting her fingers trace across the bandages, "I'm sorry Jane."

"The doctor said it's normal that I don't remember anything before the crash, that it will come back."

"It will." Maura reassures softly, and when Jane looks up she notices Maura's eyes are sad.

"I remembered something when I was sleeping just then."

It doesn't escape Jane that Maura stiffens and pulls away looking down at the ground. Jane wonders how bad what happened was. She waits till Maura looks up before continuing, "I woke up in the helicopter and there was a paramedic, but I couldn't hear him talking to me cause the blades were loud."

Maura just studies Jane's face for a few minutes. Jane who is trying to determine if that memory is a good sign or not since it was still after the crash.

"Its really a miracle you're ok", Maura says biting her lower lip, "Cuts to hands, minor scratches, bruised ribs, dislocated nose, minor contusions...you were unconscious when you arrived..." Suddenly she can't speak against the lump forming in her throat.

Jane frowns and gives Maura a look that demands more information, "The nurses won't let me watch the news. What happened?"

Maura sits down on the hospital bed beside Jane's legs so they are eye to eye, "Jane. You have barely a scratch on you."

Jane half grins softly like she is way to tough to think it could have been worse even though she wonders exactly how bad the crash is.

"Every other person, everyone, they didn't...didn't make it..." Maura looks down again, her mind thinking of so many dead bodies, she swallows, "It was a pile-up. Investigators say you were about 4 cars back."

"Four." Jane bites her lip and presses her eyebrows together, "What happened Maur?"

"A...Truck trailer lost control and ended up on it's side. Crossed the medium and into two lanes of oncoming traffic. Looks like you just barely avoided the crash and plowed into the bank."

"How many people died Maura?"

Maura rubs her thumbs together and scrunches up her mouth before answering, "Twenty deaths."

"Shit."

"There were ten other cars in that pile up. No-one...no-one else...survived."

Jane looks down at her bandaged hands, a wave of grief floods her forcing tears to the corners of her eyes. She bites her lip and hopes no one tells her any of their names right now. She isn't sure she could handle it. "So...technically I wasn't in the pile-up." Jane says softly her voice wavering.

Maura studies her for a moment, clearly worried she has upset her best friend.

"I'm so glad you're ok. I expected the worse...I um...I should let you rest." Maura says when Jane looks up at her with glassy eyes.

"I'm fine Maur, I just...really would like to go home."

"I know. Angela is on her way here now. I hope it's o-ok I let her know...I...j-just b-because we...you know...um...we..."

Maura stops talking when she realizes Jane is frowning at her.

"Why are you...stuttering?"

"I-I don't want you to be mad a-at me."

"Why would I be mad?" Jane says as she reaches out to take Maura's hand. Maura flinches ever so slightly at the touch but relaxes after Jane's fingers wrap around hers.

"I...I just can't bear to lose you in any way. And when you do...remember...when you remember before the crash-"

"Maur, you'll be the first person I call."

Maura shakes her head struggling to express herself, thats not what she meant, but doesn't say anything else.

"Will you stay with me?"

"Jane..."

"The nurses are practically ignoring me. I asked for the TV remote a half hour ago. I think they've forgotten about me."

Maura chuckles and Jane squeezes her hand tightly and won't let go,

"I'm not joking. I'm soooo bored. Pleeeease entertain me."

Maura smiles and shakes her head.

"I'll stay until your mother arrives. Ok?"

"Good. Thank you."

Maura brushes the back of Jane's hand with her thumb which is followed by a few seconds of semi-awkward silence.

"How's my nose look?"

"It looks like Mike Tyson's nose."

Jane chuckles and closes her eye's, "I asked for an ice pack an hour ago too."

* * *

 _She is driving...only she isn't. It's her hands on the wheel and her feet on the pedals, only they won't do what she wants them too. She want's to pull over. She wants to stop. Her hands won't let go and her foot won't move to the other pedal. She stays on the highway driving head first into the snow battered wind that is getting worse. It's surreal, like she is trapped in someone else's body, like she is only seeing a glimpse of something. Only it also seems vaguely familiar. Then something catches her eye and she turns to look to the passenger seat and there is Frost sitting beside her looking at her. He looks good, but stern. Wooly hat, fuzzy earmuffs and heavy scarf on top of his usual attire._

 _Frost is dead she tells herself a few times but the image remains constant._

 _Had he been sitting there the whole time. Where is she. She want's to ask him, she want's to ask him anything, but her lips won't seem to move. She tries to beg him to answer with her eyes but she can't control them either._

 _The Frost in her car doesn't smile or wave or speak, he looks at her like he is looking right through her. And then he turns to look in the direction they are traveling and he points in that same direction. He doesn't seem shocked or afraid, he is just casually saying 'look ahead' without any words. She doesn't want to look ahead...she doesn't care...she can't control where she is going anyway. She want's to look at him, remember him this way, every detail. She wants to ask him how he is and to tell him how much she missed him. But she turns to look where he points anyway. It's brightly lit tail-lights and headlights facing her or spinning. Her brain says panic but her body doesn't respond. Her feet instinctively begin to brake, cautiously, not too hard. She won't loose control. It's so icy outside._

 _Her throat is tight and her palms sweaty as her body begins to react to this unknown ahead. She is not afraid but she grips the wheel and tightens her jaw, she will be ready._

 _It feels like a minute passes yet it's only seconds, and she can see it...a large shiny tank appears out of the wintery haze and is barreling her way on it's side...almost no traction to slow it. It's like it's on a slip'n'slide almost gaining speed by the foot. And cars in front are simply slamming into it and are then forced as an entire unit of tangled steel in her direction. Nothing appears to slow it down._

 _It is a steel magnetic beast attracting everything around it towards it and growing greater in mass every second, and she can only watch as the looming mass moves closer to her own car. The whole thing is headed for her and simultaneously her for it._

 _If possible...time slows down further and she has time to wonder if this is how her life ends, if she will meet Frost on the other side. She wonders how her Ma will be...and her brothers. And Maura...she wonders if Maura will miss her like she is going to miss Maura...she wonders if Maura will be ok. She wonders what they will say at her funeral and if she will be really missed. She wonders if she will end up on a slab in the BPD Morgue._

 _Her white-knuckled hands turn the wheel and the car turns, but it's not enough. She is slowing still but there's no way she can get out of the way. All her defensive driving training is telling her is that she will impact the truck in roughly thirty seconds, give or take._

 _She wants to scream, why is she here, why can't she go, why can't she control this car._

 _The hands on the wheel turn harder and the steering wheel shudders under her hands and she is sliding, she feels the skid, that moment the rear wheels lock and you think it might be hopeless, uncontrollable. She shifts her foot off the brake and presses the accelerator and like a miracle she feels the wheels start to find traction again. She turns the other way thinking there is more room and less ice, or at least she hopes, but she starts to slide again. It's hopeless. But she won't quit. She turns the front wheels into the slide and quietly prays. Only she is running out of road. There is no more time, no more room. There is a pile of sliding metal rushing at her. She feels the wheels lock again and she tries to relax. Perhaps speeding up wasn't the best plan...in hindsight._

 _Relax. Relax. Relax. She tells herself...and then her body does and she almost sighs in relief. She closes her eye's because she knows that she will tense up when the car in front...that she was following...now impacts her going backwards._

 _She feels the crunch like it's under her skin and inside her bones. She feels like she is thrown forward and the seatbelt holds her. Her arms fly out in front and feel weightless like she is flying. She wonders if she is dead yet. She expected more crunch, in her ears and also in her body. Maybe death is less painful than she thought. She feels like she is spinning. She feels...the sudden stopping...like hitting a wall. Her stomach lurches like that first drop on a roller-coaster and her neck screams at her instantly. The seatbelt feels like a steel pole. And her arms collide with her face and something else. And then...and then she knows she is not dead because everything hurts everywhere. She wants to open her eyes against the darkness but the body doesn't respond. Just breath she thinks, be still, you aren't dead._

She opens her eyes and Maura is replaced by her Ma.

"Ma."

"Hey. Hey Baby. Are you ok?"

Jane nods groggily and checks around her, checking that it was just a dream, or a flashback, checking she is really awake and in control of herself.

"Ma. I think I remembered something...only Frost was there so it was more like a dream. So I don't know what it was."

Angela moves closer and smiles at her daughter, "You're a very lucky girl."

"I think I remember the crash. I looked away at Frost and then I looked back and it all happened so fast."

"I don't know sweetheart. I wish I could help."

"Why was Frost there."

Angela strokes Jane's hand gently, "I don't think he was baby."

Jane nods, she knows her Ma is right.

"Maybe he is a fill-in."

"A fill-in. What does that even mean Ma?" Jane groans

"He represents something you can't remember. You looked away at something and it wasn't Frost...but it was something. Don't worry baby. It will come back to you with time."

"Yeah...maybe." She yawns slightly and sighs, "It was really scary Ma. Worse than a shooting or anything. I thought I was dead for sure. I...I hope I don't dream that ever again."

She looks at Angela whose eye's are wet with tears.

"I'm ok Ma." She gives her a weak half-smile and squeezes her hand.

"Sorry Janie...I just can't imagine...I saw the news footage and I can't...I can't believe you were in that mess."

"I'm ok Ma. I'm ok."

* * *

...to be continued...


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

* * *

She taps her foot against the pavement. The cab was meant to be there at least twenty minutes ago to take her home. She wears the clothes her Ma brought in for her although they wouldn't be her usual choice of 'stand outside the hospital for thirty minutes' attire. At least they are warm...and bright, so the cab driver should have a hard time not spotting her.  
She almost dances a jig when she see's Frankie beat-up old orange volvo drive through the hospital entrance. He see's her and pulls over in front of her.

"Jane, what are you doing out here?"

"Waiting for my cab. No idea where he is. What are you doing here?"

"Coming to visit you. They let you out already?"

Jane rolls her eyes, "Yeah Frankie. Can you take me home?"

"Sure can Janie. Does Ma and Maura know you're out? Ma would never let you take a cab from the hospital."

"Frankie I'm fine. I was discharged and have the doctors permission to return to work tomorrow. I'm not going to interrupt everyone's lives over a car accident and I don't want Ma fussing over me anymore. I swear i'm fine."

Jane climbs in careful to move slow and not hurt her tender ribs and Frankie heads in the direction of Maura's.

"Where are you taking me?"

"Maura's?"

"Take me to my apartment Frankie."

"Will you be alright on your own?"

"Yes Frankie." She snaps at him angrily, "Damn it...I'm a big girl and can look after myself despite Ma treating me like a baby. And yes I could have died but i'm fine and really just want everything to go back to normal."

Frankie grunts and Jane sighs letting the stress dissipate slowly. He understands and doesn't get offended.

"Glad you are ok sis."

Jane smiles at him tenderly but he doesn't see as he is focusing on the road.

"I need a new car and phone."

"The insurance company will lend you a car till yours is sorted. Ma already organized it. And your phone was recovered from the scene. Kent has it at BPD for you."

"Nice." Jane smiles to herself, at least her entire week won't be disrupted trying to get things back to normal. "I can't wait to sleep in my own bed tonight."

"Oh yeah," Frankie gasps, "I forgot...How was the police conference?"

Jane bites her bottom lip and thinks, she can't remember a single thing from it but she remembers she had to go...at least now she knows where she was driving from, "Ok I guess...nothing stood out anyway." She doesn't want him to know she can't remember it.

When they arrive, Frankie wants to come upstairs with her but she tells him she needs to get settled first. They arrange to have coffee the following day at BPD instead. She just wants some space right now. She walks in her door and the apartment is dark. Several attempts to switch the lights on proves that the power is off. She rummages around in the dark and finds an old torch that thankfully works. The fuses are all ok however.

She uses an old plugin phone to call the power company and they seem confused stating their must be a glitch and they will get the the power back on within 48 hours.

She dials Maura next.

"Hey Maur."

 _"_ _What's wrong Jane?"_

"Why does something have to be wrong?"

 _"_ _Jane?"_

Jane sighs loudly, "Fine. My power is out and I wondered...if it was ok...if I could stay with you. Beer is terrible when it's warm."

There is silence on the other end of the phone and Jane suddenly feels nervous...like she is missing something.

 _"_ _I'm not sure it's a good idea Jane."_

"Please Maura. I sent Frankie away...I can't call and ask him if I can stay with him now, plus his place is too small. And I really don't want to share a bed with Ma...and I don't want want to sleep in the dark...not...not tonight anyway."

 _"_ _Fine."_ The tone is not cold but it's clipped, and Jane suddenly feels like she guilt tripped her friend into it.

"Unless you have, like, company or something."

 _"_ _I don't. I haven't."_

"Only if you want Maur. I don't want to intrude."

 _"_ _No. It's not a problem Jane. You are...always welcome."_

It sounds friendly and genuine so Jane accepts it, "Ok." she says relieved, "I just have to change and call a cab. See you soon."

 _"_ _Jane wait..."_

"Yeah?"

 _"_ _I...I'll pick you up from your place."_

"No Maur. It's too much trouble."

 _"I was going to get takeout anyway."_

Jane almost snorts a laugh, "Really. Why?"

 _"It will just be easier,_ _you don't have a cellphone and taxi-cabs are unrelia-"_

"Frankie called you?"

 _"Well...yes...h_ _e informed me you were no longer in hospital in case I planned to visit."_

"Figures."

 _"_ _I'll be there soon."_

"Thank you Maur. Really...thank you."

* * *

They enjoy dinner...or at least Jane does. Dirty Robber burgers and fries. After hospital food Jane feels like she has gone to heaven.

It seems there isn't a lot to say that isn't awkward. The crash seemed to take over Jane's whole world even though she tried to make it a minor part of it. Yet it seems to be a topic that's off the table. The looks from her family. The hushed tones and whispers around her. The television quickly turned off whenever she is around. But no one want's to talk about the crash.

Whenever she looks at Maura she isn't sure which topic to pick and whenever Maura looks at her she looks away again. They used to be able to talk about anything. She senses Maura is on edge about something.

And so they sit mostly in silence except when Maura drops a few random facts based on something on the television.

When Jane has finally had enough she breaks the silence.

"What's going on Maur? What the hell happened?"

Maura purses her lips for a moment in what looks like thought and opens her mouth to reply when her phone rings. She answers it keeping her focus away from Jane.

"Isles."

Jane's hand goes to her belt before she remembers her phone isn't on her. She gives Maura a solemn look and crosses her arms.

"I'll be there soon." Maura says before hanging up.

"They can't call me? Jane growls

"You aren't cleared yet Jane."

"I'm fine though." Jane spreads her arms to show she is fine.

Maura shrugs and gets up "I'm sorry. I have to go."

Jane shakes her head in frustration, "I can come with you? Just watch?"

Maura shakes her head no, "You need to rest. I'll see you later."

The door closes and Jane throws herself backwards onto the couch, wincing as her ribs disagree with her actions. She isn't sure if she is more frustrated that Maura is going on a case without her, or that they were just about to talk about whatever has been going on.

She changes the channel to the red sox game and she tries to forget about the silence. Her eyes are heavy but she watches as Dustin Pedroia swings and connects with the ball sending it spiraling into the air and towards the bleaches. He biffs the bat onto the ground and starts into a sprint towards the first base. Her eyes are so heavy and she closes them.

 _When she opens them again she see's red lights, bright against everything white. The cars in front are breaking, she can see it and feel it._

 _'_ _Not again' she thinks her heart racing and a bead of sweat dripping down the side of her face. She grips the wheel and pumps her brakes again.  
The crunch of metal breaks through the wind once, twice, three times and then she see's the trailer on its side punctured by cars that are traveling in reverse._

 _'_ _Stop' she cries out, 'No more. Not again.' She can't hear herself over the tires squealing like scared pigs and the crunching sound that makes her heart feel like it breaks just a little bit each time. The whole thing charges in her direction and the car beneath her moves right and left skidding and sliding but she isn't conscious of her movements any more. She knows what's coming and it scares her. She knows she survives but it doesn't make the experience any lighter, nor their deaths any easier. She swallows hard and tries to brace herself. But she doesn't control this body or this dream. Maybe tomorrow she will get counseling for PTSD...but for now she has to re-live this again._

 _She watches as the car in front collides with the trailer...it crunches front to middle like an aluminum can... and the sound feels like it takes a whole minute to reach her, like distant fireworks. It's all in slow motion...the vehicle almost explodes discarding any weak attachments. The side windows, the front window, one back door, all the hubcaps at different times. She is next...again._

 _It ill slows down further...so slow she can see shards of glass float through the sky in front like feathers on a light wind, only they reflect white and red. The sounds are of car horns are like foghorns that seem to have stuck and penetrate her mind incessantly._

 _Her car front collides with the back end of the car in front and nothing is slow anymore...it all speeds up and she is thrown forward and to the side as it slides out-of-control off the road. A wall of white starts to come at her but she is relaxed. The airbag explodes in her face and throws her backwards. And then the car stops as it collides with the bank...the bumper pushes into the bonnet and into the windscreen. An explosion of white snow shattering it at the same time as she is thrown forward again into her own arms, she feels a sharp pain in her nose that makes her eyes water...and then she is thrown backwards again and everything goes black._

 _Dark. Silence._

 _She feels relief...it's over again...the memory is over._

 _She just needs to wake up on Maura's couch._

 _When she opens her eyes, she can see...sort of._

 _It's blurry and it's all white and really really cold. She can hear sirens getting louder...and a car horn, and the wind whistling. Her head feels like it imploded and her hands hurt more than usual. She's still in the car...she has to get out. She rummages around in the dark searching for the door handle. When she finds it she pulls it and pushes the door, it doesn't budge. She growls at it and shoves again with her shoulder and with a loud creak it gives way.  
She tries to pull herself out but she pinned at the chest and the pressure burns against her ribs. She grabs at her chest before realizing it's the seatbelt so she finds the release and presses it. She uses the side of the car and the door to pull herself till she is standing, and the icy cold wind almost takes her breath away. The car is cold and already icy and her fingers try to stick to the metal when she tries to move away from it. She feels lightheaded and woozy and the cold air nips at her bare arms and neck, she didn't bring a jacket...she feels the cold but her blood feels so hot through her skin._

 _She tests out her legs with a small step, they work and she hasn't fallen although they feel like burning fire.  
Her eyes meet the bright scene of flashing lights and emergency trucks. Police, fire and ambulances. Bright halogen lamps running on generators. Medical personal and firemen running in both directions, some standing on wreaked cars or climbing in windows, some calling out. She can hear the unmistakable sounds of power-tool blades eating into steel which drown out  
No-one has seen her yet. _

_She takes another step as the wind whips against her, the cold air burns her lips. He leg feels wobbly. Her head does too. She tries to call out but the wind drowns out her voice.  
She reaches for her hip for her badge so she can identify herself to them. Her badge isn't there and neither is her phone. Her phone. She has to get to Maura. _

_Maura._

 _She moves to turn back towards her car but her balance is off and she wobbles. She tries to hold still. She can feel the goose bumps on her arms and the chill against them. She looks up again but the chaos before her is blurry...she tries to reach out to steady herself but there is nothing to grab. Her stomach lurches and she thinks she might vomit. But then she is falling and snow...snow is coming at her again._

Maura.

She wakes with the word on the tip of her tongue although she can't remember why. It takes a few minutes for her body to relax and for her heart rate to return to normal.

When she gathers herself she realises it's morning and she is still dressed in her clothing from last night. And she's on Maura's couch covered in a blanket she doesn't remember having last night.

She hears Maura's voice clear like a bell over the clunking of cutlery and the sounds and smells of breakfast being made.

"...I thought it was a rather good episode."

"It found it too...whats the word...educational." Angela's high sharp Italian voice seems to linger in the air, "I like romance and drama and all that stuff."

"It had all that, Angela," Maura's voice is joyous and playful, "It is just more complicated...more real."

"MmmHmmmm" Angela's tone clearly disagrees with the comparison.

"You prefer soap opera's Angela. Drama's back to back and love triangles every other day."

Jane can hear her mother's genuine laugh. Jane can't remember them getting on like that before. Friendly, but not this close. There is a tiny twinge of jealousy before she remembers that Maura is family, and that her Ma is better off the more people in her life that love her.  
She stretches to ease the stiffness and drags herself off the couch towards the smell of coffee and the voices she knows so well.

"Morning." She grumbles sleepily as she reaches the counter.

"Janie! Good morning. Did you sleep well baby?"

"Yeah Ma." Jane replies pulling herself into a seat and yawning.

"You have dark circles under your eye's, Jane." Maura says looking up briefly from pouring the drinks.

Jane returns her gaze but ignores the insinuation, "You guys are watching the same show?"

Angela smiles as she looks at Maura, "Maura and I have been watching a few shows together lately."

Jane looks between Maura and her Mother, "I didn't know you two did that sort of thing together."

"It's a recent thing. Lunch and Netfix." Angela adds, "Maura always likes hospital shows."

"They aren't completely realistic." Maura says with a nonchalant shrug as she hands Jane a coffee, "But it's a middle ground we can both enjoy."

Jane nods a thank you and takes a sip. It is hot and bitter and soothing mainly on an emotional level.

"You could join us...if you like?" Maura adds, almost as an afterthought, "If Angela was fine with it."

"That would be wonderful." Angela says too eagerly

"Maybe." Jane answers knowing she won't, she hates being the third wheel no matter who it's with.

"Would you like to accompany me to work?" Maura asks almost sweetly with a gentle smile. It is better than saying 'you don't have a car yet, shall I drive', and Jane appreciates that Maura always leaves her with her dignity.

"Sounds good." Jane gives Maura a smile to show her gratitude.

"You're going back to work already?" Angela almost drops her cup.

"Yes Ma." Jane says with a grin, "I am cleared because I am fine."

Angela mumbles under her breath, "Whatever."

"Will you be staying again tonight?" Maura asks softly, maybe nervously.

"If they don't have my power on...and it's ok with you? But we could go for a run before work tomorrow either way?"

"Sure." Maura nods "You should get changed. We have to leave soon."

* * *

It's her first day back in almost two weeks and everything looks the same...but it doesn't feel the same. Maybe it was too soon, but then again nothing _really_ happened.

She had picked up her phone from downstairs on the way to the bullpen leaving Maura and Kent standing side by side as they watched her climb back into the elevator, Kent looking mostly surprised...maybe too surprised to say anything. And for the first time in forever she can't read Maura's expression at all.

She is almost getting used to the surprised looks from those around her. Only a few have been brave enough to tell her they are glad she is ok or ask her how she is.

A part of her want's to look at the footage of the aftermath of the crash, the other part of her want's to forget it happened at all. The flashbacks are bad enough.

By 9:30am, her phone is charging beside her and she is waiting for it to turn on.

The bullpen is quieter than she remembers, Korsak is downstairs and everyone is preoccupied with something. But there is a stack of paperwork to keep her occupied...only she hates paperwork. She is itching to ask Cavanaugh what she missed, or rather if there is something other than paperwork she can do, but she hasn't seen him yet.

She is almost falling asleep reading a case file when Korsak comes in.

"Dang girl...you don't look half bad. I think you're are the luckiest person I know."

Jane chuckles and smiles, "Hey. You miss me?"

"Sure did." He says sitting down, "I tried to call you yesterday. Called Maura when your phone went straight to voicemail. She filled me in."

"I left my phone in the car." Jane says turning to her phone and seeing the battery is almost fully charged, she turns it on.

It takes a minute before it pings through half a dozen alerts of missed calls.

She is staring at the screen of her own phone when Korsaks phone rings.

"Korsak."

He glances at her as he listens and she stares back at him.

"Yep. Ok. I'm on my way."

Korsak opens his drawer and grabs his badge and sidearm.

"What?" Jane frowns and checks her phone over wondering why her partner is going out on a case without her.

"See you later." Korsak says grabbing his coat.

Jane watches him leave and glares at her phone again giving it a small shake.

She is still staring at it when Cavanaugh walks in.

"Rizzoli. You got nothing to do?"

"Uh, no sir. Just wondering why I am not out on the case with Korsak."

"Korsak was partnered with Frankie."

"What?" her mouth hangs open so wide her jaw starts to hurt.

"I'm glad you're ok Rizzoli."

"Frankie and Korsak? So... who is my partner now?"

"I'm working on that." Cavanaugh is about to walk into his office when he turns to look at Jane again, "Listen...Jane. I know you've had a rough time...but since you left the conference early...while I am fine with you doing that...technically you weren't on duty, so, well...counseling isn't covered by the department. It's shitty I know. But...you know...if you need to talk my door is always open."

They stare at each other a moment before Cavanaugh speaks again, "I know it's none of my business...but why did you leave early?"

Jane shakes her head and scrunches her brow, "I don't remember."

Cavanaugh nods but seems unconvinced, "Right. Ok. Well...finish that paperwork Rizzoli."

She doesn't. Not right away.

She has been gone less than two weeks and is partnerless. It feels like a rejection. Now she is going to get lumped with some newbie, probably. Maybe Cavanaugh has done this to help Frankie find his feet. He is the newest detective on the force and of course they never partner relatives or siblings. But it still feels like a rejection. But she can't get emotional about this...she is Jane Rizzoli and she is tough and this shit doesn't get to her.

She picks up her phone again and finally checks the missed calls.

Two from Korsak the night of the crash. One from Maura. Three from her Ma. And two from unknown numbers.

She sighs, she feels like she needs a beer...but it's too early in the day. She feels exhausted despite doing nothing.

She feels like she needs a strong coffee.

The break room is empty and so is the coffee pot. She closes her eyes and sighs, wondering if her week could get any worse.

But then her world never ended for lack of coffee before today.

She straightens herself, huffs a resigned breath out her nose, and fills the coffee machine.

She watches as the dark brown liquid slowly drips into the glass coffee pot bringing with it the aroma she loves.

Drip drip drip.

She thinks of Korsak and Frankie on a case together and her left behind.

Drip drip drip.

She thinks about how different Maura has been acting lately.

Drip drip drip.

She thinks going downstairs to the Division One Cafe for a coffee might actually be faster than this.

Drip drip drip.

She thinks of her Ma and Maura calling after the crash and wonders how they knew.

Drip drip drip.

She taps her fingers on her cup in time with the drips as she waits.

* * *

 _She taps the wheel with her fingers as she moved slowly with the traffic. Impatience set in a good fifteen minutes ago and she checks her phone for any messages from Maura. None. She reaches down and turns on the radio. It's the end of a song she vaguely recognizes but doesn't care enough to recall. She taps her fingers again as a news report starts but pauses when the words sink in. 'Snow storm bearing down on Massachusetts, parts of highway 101 and 91 are closed. More closures overnight. Stay home if you don't have to travel.'_

 _She doesn't care, she is a safe driver. Driven these roads many times over the years in all type of weather...and she has to get to Maura._

 _Thirty minutes later the traffic picks up to a satisfactory pace. Maybe it's because a lot of cars have turned around and gone back. Jane doesn't really think about it much. She is on a mission._

 _The skies look deceptively like it is clearer ahead but every mile that passes makes it seem like she will never reach that lighter sky._

 _Along with speed of traffic, the wind also picked up and white powdery stuff gets blown across the road in front of her._

 _It's almost on dusk so she puts her lights on. Another alert on the radio but she's already halfway anyway, and it sounds like it hasn't hit Boston anyway. She can make it...she has to._

 _As she drives, the smaller white patches on the side of the road become larger white patches until the entire roadside is a blanket of white. She is hopeful to be out of the way of the storm before it fully hits. She reaches down to check her phone again._

 _Still nothing._

 _'Where are you Maura?' She growls to herself._

 _Another half mile and it's getting harder to see, but her mind is only focused on getting back to Boston._

 _She calls Maura again and it goes through to her message._

 _"_ _This is Doctor Isles. Please leave a message after the tone."_

 _Her heart sinks. Maura always answers her phone._

 _"_ _Maura. It's me. Why aren't you answering. Please...please call me back ok. I'm worried about you. Ok. Yeah. It's Jane"_

 _She scrunches up her face as she ends the call. She knows she sounded like a bumbling nervous wreak...far from the confident detective everyone knows her to be._

 _She doesn't have much time to think about what a weird sounding message she left as she focuses on the road ahead. It's getting darker...and also harder to see._

 _The radio reports of a crash on the 95, she is glad she isn't on that road and hopes everyone is ok._

 _She checks her phone on the seat beside her...again. Still nothing._

 _"Where are you?" she thinks out loud._

 _When she looks up again she see's far too much activity to be considered normal. She can feel it in her bones. Something is wrong. She starts to brake. Her heart speeds up and she knows what's about to happen._

 _She knows because she remembers this part..._

 _She knows she will never get used to it._

 _She just wishes she didn't have to see it again...feel it again._

 _She wishes she could move her arm enough to pinch herself, to wake herself up, but she can't._

 _She wishes it was over and she was safe at home._

* * *

 _...To be continued..._


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4

* * *

Jane leaves work early. Thankfully in her own temporary car.

Cavanaugh let her leave even though she doesn't really have a good reason. When she gets home her power is back on.

She sighs in relief as she triple locks the door behind her.

She wouldn't admit she felt on edge to anyone.

It's her refection in the hall mirror that gives her a clue as to why Cavanaugh didn't object to her leaving when she did.

That combined with the fact that he knew as much about what she had been through as she did.

Her eyes are slightly bloodshot and she is deathly pale, even thirty minutes after leaving BPD. Her messy hair sticks to the side of her face. She hadn't even noticed she was shaking slightly until she is standing there staring at herself.

She hadn't realized the toll these flashbacks were having on her physically. They left her body reacting like the event had just happened.

She lets out another heavy sigh before she pulls herself together and heads to the kitchen to get a beer.

She open the fridge door and holds her nose and mouth. Something has turned putrid and she almost gags. She wonders if her power was off for more than a few days.

She finds a black trash-bag and empties the contents of her freezer into it plus the perishables in the fridge as well. She shoves it in a rubbish bin and then she cracks open a cold beer.

She feels tired, exhausted. She wonders if having a cry would make her feel better.

Probably not.

Everything seems to be more of a challenge than usual and it is sucking all her energy even though nothing is different.

The strange vibes she gets from Maura at times is especially confusing.

She drinks half the beer in one go and sips the rest as she thinks back over the week.

The empty bottle finds a home in the sink and she pulls another bottle out of the fridge and opens it.

After one sip, her stomach growls and she already knows her fridge is mostly empty, so she picks up her phone and the takeaway menu from the Chinese place up the street. She almost knows the number by heart now.

It is answered on the fourth ring.

"Chinese Takeaway. What is your order please?"

"It's Jane. Um...The usual please."

"Jane who?"

"Detective Jane Rizzoli. Apartment 26. I get an order every Tuesday."

"Don't know the usual. Don't know Jane. What you order?"

Jane presses her head against the fridge, "The number 8 and the number 21."

"Pickup or delivery?"

"Delivery."

"Address to deliver?"

She growls, "Nevermind."

"What?"

"Cancel my order." Jane says with a sigh and hangs up. She isn't hungry anymore, she is annoyed. Frustrated. Tired.

She sits down on her couch and stares at her hands again. The bandages are off and there are only small light red scratches left, they look like a tiny roadmap, but they don't hurt.

She runs her hands through her hair and growls before picking up her phone and texts Maura.

 ** _Hey. What are you up too?_**

She puts her feet up on the couch and tugs a lock of hair around her finger losing herself in her thoughts. Since waking up in hospital nothing has felt...quite...normal. She looks at her phone, no reply from Maura.

'Answer me.' She thinks as she stares at it...a feeling of deja vu washes over her.

It grabs her throat and crushes her heart although she isn't sure why.

She rubs her palms together to calm herself.

Usually it works but today it isn't and then it hits her. She feels nothing in her hands. Nothing.

She presses her thumb to the scar on her palm and waits for the usual twinge of pain the shoots from the damaged nerve and up her arm but she feels nothing. Not even the touch itself. She holds her tongue, this is not something to squeal over in either shock or delight. This is not the result of too much beer.

She doesn't feel the pain she got so used to, the doctors didn't say anything about nerve damage. That pain is what has kept her grounded physically and emotionally for the last ten years.

She stares at her hands breathing heavily.

 _'_ _Think Jane think.'_

She slows her breathing and decides it must be the beer...or she is over-tired, or just coincidence...or maybe her brain ignoring her pain out of necessity...like the doctor had said over her memories.

She has to believe it.

But maybe she should ask Maura...just in case.

Jane picks up her phone again and writes another text to Maura.

 ** _Are you ok?_**

She holds her phone and stares at the unanswered text messages. Maybe Maura is upset at her. She might ask about that as well next time they are together.

After a several silent minutes and the rest of the beer, her fingers deftly dial Maura's number, but it goes straight to voicemail.

She takes two deep breaths and the urge to get in the car and drive over is almost overwhelming...

Deja-vu.

She closes her eyes again...she has to get control back...she has too.

* * *

 _"_ _I have to go...right now."_

 _"_ _Now?" The short haired male officer asks as Jane throws her clothes in a duffel bag._

 _"_ _Yes. My friend...I think she is in trouble. She isn't answering her phone." Jane growls._

 _The man raises his eyebrows at her is disbelief._

 _"_ _Jane. We are literally in the middle of this conference."_

 _"_ _I know." She growls back at him but he can't read her self-annoyance._

 _"_ _We get to shoot at stuff this afternoon with some really cool guns."_

 _"_ _I know that Ralph."_

 _"_ _Maybe your friend is just busy right now."_

 _Jane shakes her head._

 _"_ _Maybe she left her phone at home."_

 _Jane shakes her head again, "I called her. She didn't answer. I have to speak to her."_

 _"_ _Can't you get someone else to go check on her or call her."_

 _Jane throws her packed bag over her shoulder and picks up her keys, "There's just...there's no time."_

 _"_ _It'll take you hours to get back to Boston. Why don't you have BPD send an officer to protect her."_

 _Jane thinks for a moment. How Maura would react. If Maura would understand, "No," she shakes her head, "She wouldn't believe it. She...I screwed up and she won't believe me. I have to tell her directly."_

 _"_ _Seriously Jane?"_

 _The tone says 'you're being ridiculous' and maybe she is, but the panic won't stop. She shakes her head but mostly to herself, "I can't sit here and just hope she will be ok...I can't trust anyone else to protect her. I have to go."_

 _Ralph sighs in disbelief, "Ok Jane. Well...um...drive safe ok."_

 _"_ _Thanks." Jane says as she swings her bag over her shoulder and heads towards the exit._

 _Every action and step she takes feels right so she doesn't stop and turn around. Every moment putting it right provides some relief for her._

 _She chucks her bag in the backseat and climbs into the front. She sits there for a moment wondering how crazy this seems to everyone. Wondering if she is being paranoid. Wondering if she will think herself crazy when she gets to Boston._

 _Wondering what Maura will say._

 _But as she thinks of Maura her heart starts to beat faster in panic again. She has to go. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks._

 _She turns the car over and puts it in drive and heads towards highway 93._

 _She bites her lip trying to calm herself, slow down her heart. She has never had this kind of panic in her life. Not even when Maura was unconscious on the ground in the forest with gunmen chasing them. Not even when Maura was kidnapped. Not even when she thought Alice Sands was going after her mother. Not even when her brother was bleeding out in the morgue. Not even when she was unarmed and had a loaded gun pressed into her back._

 _This was different._

 _She took some deep yoga breaths to calm her body and her mind._

 _She gripped the wheel hard enough to feel every nerve ending in her hands._

 _The traffic is already backed because of road repairs and she grunts in annoyance._

 _She taps her fingers on the steering wheel slowly._

 _'_ _This is going to be a long trip.' She tells herself._

 _Not that it matters._

 _She taps the wheel with her fingers and watches the slow moving traffic in front of her inch forward. Brake lights on. Brake lights off. Move forward. Brake lights on._

 _She sighs and taps the wheel again._

 _She pulls her phone out of her pocket and puts it on the seat beside her so it is ready to answer in case Maura calls her back._

 _"_ _I'm coming Maura. I'm coming."_

* * *

Jane is almost at her car when her phone rings, she answers without looking at the screen.

"Rizzoli?"

 _"_ _Jane. Sorry I missed your texts and call. I was driving. Are you ok?"_

And now she is fine. That compulsive urge has dissipated like smoke in the wind.

"I'm fine. It's fine Maura." Jane says with a sigh of relief and a smile, she knows she is over-reacting. It's not like her but she can't help it.

 _"_ _What were you calling me for? Is your power still off?"_

Jane stops walking and leans against her car, "I'm fine. The power is back on. I just...um...I had a question."

 _"_ _Fire."_

Jane chuckles softly as she runs her fingers through her hair, she doesn't bother correcting Maura, it doesn't annoy her that it's wrong...she is just glad to be able to talk to her friend at all. "Well, It's gonna sound weird, but I kinda can't feel my hands Maura. Do you think that's bad?"

 _"_ _What do you mean?"_

"I rubbed my scars and they didn't hurt. I didn't feel anything at all."

 _"_ _Isn't that a good thing?"_

"Maybe. Just, well, they always hurt. I just don't understand why they don't now. Is it because I hurt them?"

 _"_ _It could be. You should have them examined by your doctor Jane."_

"Yeah." Jane mumbles, "Maur?"

 _"_ _Yes Jane."_

"Did I...did I do something to hurt you? Cause I know I can be a pain in the butt sometimes but you know I don't mean to be..."

Jane hears Maura sniffle through the phone.

"God. I'm an idiot. I did hurt you. I'm sorry Maur. Really I am."

 _"_ _Jane...It's fine...please don't...I am just so glad you're ok..."_

Jane waits for more but there is just silence and breathing.

"What did I do Maur?"

 _"_ _It doesn't matter Jane. I..I have to go. Do you want me to set up an appointment for you with the doctor?"_

"Nuh...I can do that. You've done enough and I'm sure I don't deserve it. Can I...I don't know...take you out somewhere to make it up to you. Or something?"

The silence causes Jane to feel nervous for an entirely different reason. She wonders if she can ever right whatever wrong she did. And she knows Maura well enough to know that Maura probably didn't deserve whatever Jane did to her. The guilt makes her bite her lip too hard, she tastes the salty blood in her mouth and she holds her breath.

* * *

 _She bites her lip hard and tastes the blood. She is angry._

 _"_ _Tony you prick" Jane almost screams as she slams her laptop shut hard and pulls out her phone._

 _She rings Maura. No reply. She doesn't leave a message. She thinks about throwing her phone but doesn't._

 _"_ _Damn it. Damn it." She yells to herself. She thumps her fist against the laptop lid several times wishing she could just slam her fist against it and break it to pieces. But it won't solve anything._

 _"_ _Fuck Fuck Fuck." She yells as she stands up picking up a cushion and biffing it as hard as she can against the wall. It bounces off and falls on the ground unpertubed._

 _She turns again and see's Ralph standing in the doorway, his mouth hanging open and his eyes wide._

 _"_ _What?" Jane yells at him._

 _"_ _I...I..." He stutters_

 _Jane sighs, "What?" she says in a gentler but gravely tone._

 _"_ _I came to get you for the next session...but I can come back if you want...or...meet you there."_

 _Jane pushes her hands through her hair hard, grimacing as she catches tangles and knots._

 _"_ _Who is Tony?" Ralph asks as bravely as he can which comes out like a squeak._

 _Jane looks at him surprised, not realizing he had been there as long as he had._

 _"_ _He's a criminal. Fuck...he's a damn rapist."_

 _Ralph raises his eyebrows again at the language he isn't used to, "Jane...is Tony someone here?"_

 _"_ _No." Jane says roughly pulling her duffel bag out of the closet. If he was here she would have strangled him._

 _"_ _What are you doing?"_

 _Jane shakes her head like she doesn't know herself. "I have to go. I have to get back to Boston?"_

 _"_ _Are you serious?"_

 _"_ _Yeah."_

 _"_ _Why?" Ralph asks as he watches her rush angrily around the room throwing her belongings into the bag._

 _"_ _For Maura." Jane growls, "I have to go...right now."_

* * *

 _"_ _Jane are you there?"_

"Sorry Maur."

 _"_ _Where did you go?"_

"I...I keep remembering bits and pieces I had forgotten. Just snippets. It's nothing. Sorry..."

 _"_ _Oh...ok."_

"So can I...take you out as an apology of sorts?"

 _"_ _Jane, It's not necessary, really."_

"I want to."

Maura sighs, _"Fine Jane."_

Jane smiles but she isn't sure why, "Great. Just whenever suits you."

 _"_ _I can come over to your place later Jane. Would that work?"_

"Sure. That would be great."

 _"_ _Did you need anything else?"_

"No. Thanks Maur. I'll talk to you later."

 _"_ _Bye."_

The phone hangs up and Jane puts it back in it's holder and heads back upstairs. She has to do something about this new compulsive behavior. The feelings that cause her to fly out the door and panic at unanswered calls. She used to control those feelings and now she feels like they control her. She thinks this new compulsion thing may be a problem.

She also has to get back upstairs and tidy up her messy apartment and order takeaways...again.

She takes the stairs two at a time and pauses at the top of the landing. She checks around her, something feels off but there is no-one around.

She plays with her lip between her teeth and wills the goosebumps on her arms to go away. She is sure the hair on the back of her neck is standing on end as well.

She pushes her feelings down and forces herself to carry on.

She takes a step and then almost runs for her apartment door trying to get the keys out of her pocket quickly, dropping them as she reaches her door. She bends and scoops them up and fumbles for her house key. The feeling is stronger and closer. Looming like a bad omen right behind her. She can't function, she can't think, she can't stop the fear. She drops her keys and pulls out her gun spinning on her heels and pointing the gun down the hall.

Her hands are shaking and there is nothing there except the strange feeling crawling down the back of her neck.

A figure suddenly appears almost like a ghost walking down the hall towards her, eyes down at the ground.

He is wearing the hat Frost used to wear somwtimes, before he died.

She trains her gun on him and holds her breath.

The figure doesn't seem to notice her or sense the panic he is causing. As he gets closer Jane recognizes him.

"Frost?"

The figure looks up abruptly, mildly surprised, and when he sees her he stops walking and smiles brightly at her showing healthy white teeth, the smile makes his eyes sparkle joyfully.

"Jane. Wow. What are you doing here?"

"God it's good to see you Frost. I missed you."

She holsters her gun and steps towards him like she might hug him but stops when he steps back slightly like he doesn't want her too.

"I missed you too." He says with a smirk.

He looks younger than before...and happier.

"Are you alive?" Jane asks with a frown.

"No Jane. No I'm not. Are you?"

His voice sounds confused but his face doesn't show it, he only looks happy.

"I...I think so. I mean...yeah, I am. Can I...can I touch you?"

Frost nods and Jane reaches out her hand, fingers tentatively hovering next to brown suit fabric, she pushes closer and finds thin air where Frosts arm should be. Jane frowns as her hand moves through the middle of his chest without restriction. She looks up and he smiles at her. Her hand moves towards his smile as she tries to touch his face...but there is still only air.

"I can't touch you." Her voice breaks in surprise even though she somehow expected it.

"I'm dead Jane." Frost replies with a chuckle.

Jane nods but keeps her hand next to his cheek, hovering as close to it as she can keep it.

"I don't understand how you can see me if you're alive." He says smiling as he shakes his head slowly, almost as if it's just like Jane to accomplish the impossible without problem.

Jane shrugs and gives him a half smile. Frost reaches out instinctively to touch her shoulder to reassure her and his touch makes Jane jump.

"I felt that." She gasps, "It's warm. Tingly."

Frosts smile drops slightly and his eyes lose there joyful sparkle, "Did something happen to you Jane?"

"I don't think so. You...you can touch me?"

Frost looks around, over her shoulder down the empty hall, his eyes lingering on things Jane can't seem to see.

"Are you in danger Jane?"

Jane shakes her head, "No, I'm fine."

"You're not meant to be here. You're lost." He says, his voice sad even though it doesn't show in his face.

Jane looks around, "This is my apartment building. I'm not lost. You're the one standing outside my door."

Frosts eyes meet hers and she see's a flicker of concern in them.

"I have to go Jane. You need to figure out what happened to you. What changed."

"What changed? What do you mean?"

"How you got to see through the veil Jane? Something has changed. It's not the way it should be."

Frost turns and walks away, fading from his feet upwards.

"Frost wait. What veil?"

But he has disappeared in front of her eyes.

"Frost?" She growls annoyed but there is no response.

Jane reaches up to touch her arm where she can still feel the tingling of where his fingers were. Like electricity.

Her brain races trying to understand. She walks to the end of the hall then back to her doorway but there is nothing. No Frost. She unlocks and opens her apartment door then pulls it closed again. She bites her lip and wonders what Frost was talking about. She taps her fingers against her leg and rushes downstairs towards her car completely unsure where she will go. She reaches the bottom step before remembering that Maura is coming over later so she turns and heads back up the stairs and at the top she unlocks her apartment. She steps inside feeling nauseous. Maybe she shouldn't have had two beers.

She sits down on the couch and pulls her knees up to her chest, hugging them, rocking slightly.

"What the fuck." She says out loud into an empty room, "What the fuck."

* * *

...to be continued...


	5. Chapter 5

Note: I have changed the weekday of the accident. Hope it doesn't confuse anyone...but otherwise everyone was at BPD on a Saturday instead of Friday...oops...so it all got pushed a day back. Accident Wednesday. Left hospital Thursday. Work Friday. It's only a story...but IMO major inaccuracies make stories feel less authentic.

Thanks for the comments...they are awesome! It's really interesting for me to hear the direction it feels like the story is taking from perspectives other than my own. So I do appreciate hearing what you think or feel is happening. I wrote the chapters out of order so I only really have the way the story is in my head...not how it reads. I think it's not as clear as I thought so I am sorry about that. I figured I'd do the flashbacks in reverse order making it a little like memento but maybe it only makes sense in my head. But then again...at the end of Memento I was like 'Wait...what?' and when I watched it again I was like 'ohhh...soo coooool'. So idk...maybe this is like memento...or maybe not. If it's 'not' I hope you forgive me. If you haven't seen Memento...go watch it already...one of the best movie ever.

There isn't much more to go and I still haven't written the end yet so keep the comments coming to help me figure out how to finish it... we are pretty close now so I hope you all stick with it because I think it'll be worth it. :)

Happy reading and much Love, Jam xx

* * *

CHAPTER 5

* * *

Maura steps through the open door into Jane's apartment and immediately see's Jane lying on the couch in a ball. Her eye's are open and she stares at the wall in front of her.

"Jane?" Maura whispers as she looks around the room for the cause of the distress.

"What the fuck." Jane whispers barely inaudable.

Maura carefully sits down beside Jane on the couch, reaching out to touch her shoulder, let her know she is there.

"Maur," Jane whispers after a minute, "I saw frost. I...he's alive...I mean...maybe...I don't know..."

"Frost passed away Jane." Maura says reaching over to push hair off Jane's face.

Jane turns to look up into Maura's eyes, "But...I saw him. And it wasn't a dream because he touched me...here."

Jane points to her shoulder, "His hand was warm. And he smiled at me. He talked to me."

"Jane?" Maura's voice is choked in concern and her brows are knitted together.

"Then he said that I was lost. That it wasn't the way it should be. What did he mean Maur?"

Maura swallows heavily, completely unsure how to handle this matter, so she moves closer instead placing her hand on Jane's forearm and strokes softly.

"Why do I feel this way?" Jane asks her eyes closed now.

"What way Jane?"

"I feel...I don't know...it feels, everything feels so wrong...I feel wrong."

Maura squeezes Jane's arm and shakes her head because she isn't quite sure how to answer.

Jane lifts her head and shifts over so her head slides onto Maura's lap, her hand on Maura's knee, and she lies there still shaking ever so slightly.

And Maura lets her, just lie there, like a child, eyes closed, hugging her legs ever so softly.

"How was it that I could see Frost?" Jane asks in a croaky whispered voice. Maura shakes her head softly and strokes Jane's back, "I don't know sweetie."

"He touched me."

They sit that way for a few moments, Jane still trying to make sense of her encounter and Maura trying to understand what happened and racking her mind for any literature on the topic.

Jane can't understand why she is acting this way, why hasn't sat up and make a sarcastic joke or laughed it off as something silly. She can't understand why her encounter with Frost had left her so shaken and confused. She wonders if it was even real, with all the flashbacks lately it could have been just a messed up dream.

And Maura can't understand why Jane is still clinging to her, but she also knows Jane deals with things in ways unknown to her and often surprising. Not knowing what else to do, Maura began stroking Jane's hair, running gentle fingers through tangled locks, so gently, massaging the scalp behind her temple on each pass.

Jane felt every movement of fingertips tickling her ear or stroking her temple or grazing her neck.

She finally feels like she exists for the first time in days. Like everything will somehow be ok. Like every touch keeps her grounded.

Frosts words still bounced around her head but she wasn't frightened by them anymore, she wasn't trying to understand what they meant anymore. She just enjoyed knowing that she was alive. She was ok. And Maura must forgive whatever stupid thing she did to be here comforting her.

"Something's changed" Jane muses against Maura's leg almost making Maura jump since she thought Jane had fallen asleep.

"I- What do you mean Jane?"

"I'm not, um, sure. It feels like things...things have been...off."

Maura stokes Jane's hair again in thought herself, old feelings rising up inside her, "Well, you almost died Jane."

"I know." Jane whispers, "But it's...something else."

"No one else in that crash made it. Sometimes that just changes things. Changes your perspective. Your priorities. How you view the world..."

Jane plays with her bottom lip between her teeth, "Maybe no-one was meant to make it."

Maura's voice begins to break, "When I got the call...I was so confused...scared. I thought the worst but couldn't bear to believe it."

"I'm sorry." Jane whispers pressing a kiss to Maura's knee although Maura doesn't notice.

"Why were you even there Jane, on that highway? Why did you leave the conference early?"

Maura almost sounds angry and Jane can understand why. It's not the first time Maura has been angry at her being in danger, only for the first time it isn't her fault...hopefully. "I don't really remember. I tried to call you though but I can't remember why."

Maura's hand pauses on Jane's hair and she sighs loudly, sadly.

Jane sits up slowly and looks at Maura, "How can I find out?"

Maura presses her lips together almost like she is holding back a smile, "You're the detective Jane.".

Jane rolls her eyes before smiling back, "Thanks, I think."

Maura smiles softly but it doesn't reach her eyes, "I'm sorry I didn't answer my phone Jane."

Jane nods, "I'm meant to be the one saying sorry, I'm meant to be making it up to you."

"Not today." Maura says with a smile, "Another time. Ok?"

"Sure." Jane whispers.

"Do you want to stay at my place tonight?" Maura offers.

Jane shakes her head, "No. Thank you though, I think I need to do some detecting."

"Ok." Maura goes to stand up but changes her mind and pulls Jane into a hug, kissing her temple. Jane doesn't pull away or say anything.

Then Maura pulls away suddenly, "Get some rest Jane. I'll see you in the morning."

"For our run."

"Oh...yes...I had forgotten. For our run." Maura says as she leaves pulling the door slowly shut behind her.

* * *

It takes all of five minutes for Jane to obtain the list of employees and participants of the annual police up-skilling training conference as well as the group she was placed with and shared quarters with for the week long event. She barely remembers the conference, it feels like it was 5 years ago. She didn't make any friends there. She didn't like being there. She remembers that more as a feeling than a thought.

There was only Ralph's name that meant anything, but he worked at a different station in Boston. That's how they knew each other.

It takes an additional fifteen minutes for her to remember which classes she attended and get her scores or attendances for the classes. She had aced the self-defence lessons on Monday. She vaguely remembered the weapons class. The score for assembling and firing was high. There was a discussion about the new semi-automatics that had been illegally distributed around the cities and also the latest police issue tasers and non-combat weapons. Another class on Kevlar uses and new department gear had bored her slightly. Tuesday night class was on profiling, she remembers that class, she remembers it triggered some memories. She also remembers that the advisor looked a little bit like Susie Chang which gave her goosebumps.

She had not made any classes on Wednesday, not one. And the crash was Wednesday evening.

Something had caused her to leave on Wednesday morning. She just couldn't put her finger on what.

She leans back in her chair and closes her eyes trying to remember anything after the Tuesday night session and the Susie Chang lookalike. Susie Chang always made her think of Maura. The senior criminologist idolized Maura. But Susie died. Susie died and Maura had to see her dead. Susie had broken protocol when Maura was away to help her solve a case. Maura was not at all happy about any sort of unscientific guessing.

Jane smiles at the memory. She even remembered when the new baby, the mass spectrometer, arrived at the lab. Susie had been an integral part of the team at one point. The Susie lookalike woman trainer had looked straight at her at one point and had made her feel very nervous. Uncomfortable. She had stared at her like she was completely out of place. Jane had rubbed her hands together and looked away. But that look she got at the conference was almost like the one Susie gave her when she had asked her to guess and Maura could hear them. A look of disappointment mingling with fear. No...a warning. An omen of sorts. That lookalike Susie had warned her that something was wrong. Or reminded her. She remembered now.

* * *

 _"_ _Ma?"_

 _"_ _Janie. Are you ok?"_

 _"_ _Yeah Ma. I need to ask you something?"_

 _"_ _Aren't you at the police conference?"_

 _"_ _I am. I'm just about to go to the morning session. Ma, what's the name of Maura's boyfriend?"_

 _"_ _What? Maura doesn't have a boyfriend."_

 _"_ _That guy she was seeing?"_

 _"_ _I think Tony is just a friend Jane."_

 _"_ _Whatever...what's his last name Ma?"_

 _"_ _Uh...I think it's Colgrate. He was at some function Maura went to a few weeks back. Why Jane?"_

 _"_ _I'm running a background check on him."_

 _"_ _Jane...you shouldn't"_

 _"_ _I have a feeling Ma. I saw him once and I had a bad feeling...but I...I..."_

 _"_ _What Jane?"_

 _"_ _We did a class on profiling last night...and then I had a bad dream...he was...not a good guy."_

 _"_ _Why don't you just ask Maura about him?"_

 _"_ _I can't Ma. She...I...things aren't good right now."_

 _"_ _What did you do Janie?"_

 _"_ _Oh my god."_

 _"_ _What Jane? What?"_

 _"_ _Ma I have to call you back."_

 _"_ _Ja-"_

 _"_ _If you hurt her I'll kill you." Jane spits venomously to the picture on the screen._

 _She bites her lip hard and tastes the blood. She is angry. Beyond angry. Her blood is halfway between boiling and chilled. She skims the long record on his rap sheet._

 _"_ _Tony you prick" Jane almost screams as she slams her laptop shut hard and pulls out her phone to call Maura._

* * *

That uncomfortable feeling had become pure panic. That something was going to happen. She didn't know what or when but she knew she had to find out and stop it.

She checked her phone, there was one outgoing call to her mother at 8:50am Wednesday that lasted only a few minutes followed by several outgoing calls to Maura that were so short they can't have been answered. Another call to her Ma that lasted a few minutes. Another bunch of short outgoing calls to Maura, and many missed incoming calls shortly after the accident.

The outgoing calls to her mother is the only thing that interests her. She checks it's not too late before she dials her mother's number and presses the phone to her ear.

"Ma."

"Who's this?"

"Ma. It's me...its Jane."

"Oh Janie. How are you?"

"I'm fine Ma. Listen. I need to ask you something."

"Sure baby. What is it?"

"I um...I called you on the day of the crash."

"Did you baby? I don't remember."

Jane scratches her head. It's her only lead and she needs something.

"Yeah Ma. On that Wednesday. In the morning and again shortly before lunchtime."

"Ok?"

"Ma. I really need you to try and remember what I called you about. I called twice. What did we...um...talk about."

"Sure baby. Let me think. Wednesday. I had a cooking class in the morning. Then I went to the Robber. My shift started at 1pm but Vince had a case so I went in early. One of the shipments came in early. Around eleven. I was the only one there so I had to lock the front door to deal with it. Then...oh yes...my phone rang on the bar."

"Right Ma. I called you. What happened next?"

"Well, oh yeah...you called to say you couldn't get hold of Maura and did I know where she was. I told you she was at work. You said she didn't answer her phone and I said I didn't think anything was wrong and I said maybe it's because she was working."

"Anything else?"

"I don't think so."

"Oh." Jane rubs her face. It doesn't gel with her memories, but maybe her memories are wrong.

"Oh wait..."

"What Ma?"

"You called earlier that morning asking about Maura's friend. When you called later I told you I remembered that Maura was going to see him again. You...you sounded really stressed. Then later...Maura called me to tell me you were at the hospital but you were ok. I was so scared baby."

"I know Ma. I'm sorry. But...who is Maura's friend?"

"You really don't remember calling me do you?"

"Sorry...no I don't Ma. Who is Maura's friend?"

"Tony Colgrate."

"Tony." Jane mimicks remembering the name from a memory and with it the same panic she felt then.

 _He's a criminal. Fuck...he's a damn rapist._

"Tony Colgrate."

Jane pushes her face into her hand and bites her tongue to stay calm. It works. Although her hands ball into fists uncontrollably.

"Janie?"

"Thanks Ma."

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah. I love you. I have to go."

Jane disconnects the call.

Tony Colgrate.

She opens her laptop and does a department search of him. The same search is in her history...from Wednesday.

Tony Henry Colgrate Junior. Age 44.

The DMV picture on the file looks familiar. It almost sparks a memory but not quite. She wonders if she met him.

The name itself came with a long rap sheet, far to long for him to be within a mile radius of Maura or work in any of her circles.

Most of the reports were old and in other states, but a few of the reports that charges weren't pressed were more recent. Most were women claiming some degree of physical foulplay. Rape.

In her search a newspaper article of some lottery win came up as well with his name attached. Three million win. No wonder he had been able to disguise his life from crime to a more prestigious one. To role-play into someone that could almost be in Maura's league. She wondered what Maura saw in him. He was ok looking...he must be one hell of a charmer.

But why didn't Jane just have him picked up. Why didn't she send an officer to protect Maura. Why had Maura not answered Jane's calls that day. Why hadn't Jane been able to tell Maura that she might be in danger.

Jane picks up her phone and dials Maura's cellphone.

 _"Jane?"_

"Maur. I need to talk to you ask you something. Why didn't you answer your phone?"

 _"Honey. I just did. It's 12:30am...why are you still up?"_

Jane glances at her clock surprised it is so late, "No...not today Maur...that day...the day of the accident...the pile up. I called a bunch of times...but you-you didn't answer. Why?"

There is a long silence at the other end.

"Maura?"

"Does it matter Jane?"

"Yeah, Maur, it matters. I need to know."

"I...I..."

"You'll get hives if you lie."

"We fought Jane. We had a fight on the Saturday before you left...I...I didn't think you'd...I...I'm sorry...you were so angry and I wasn't ready to deal with it...I couldn't speak to you...not over the phone. I...I figured we would sort it out when you got back...and then...then you were in hospital and you didn't say anything...and it was like a fresh start, like it never happened and it didn't matter anymore because it was silly in the first place and you almost died...but I had you back and everything was ok."

Jane scowls her face up, not that Maura can see it, "The fight was my fault." It's not a question. "What did we fight about?"

"It doesn't matter now Jane." Maura mumbles weakly rolling into her pillow.

"I need to know Maur."

"Jane...please. Please just let me be happy you're alive and we're friends again...please let's not do this again...can't you let it be...I don't want you to hate me again."

"I could never hate you Maur. But I need to know. I need to know why I left that conference early."

There is a pause while Maura processes this.

"Jane, It's more likely you would have stayed away longer than come back early. Whatever brought you back wasn't about that. It wasn't about me...us."

"Don't I deserve to know what happened."

Maura sighs, "Maybe."

"Maur?"

Silence.

"I'm on my way over."

"No." Jane can hear that Maura is crying, "Please don't do that."

Jane pushes the current frustration and anger she feels down and softens her voice, "Why Maura? Why shouldn't I come over?"

Jane can hear Maura physically hold back a sob.

Jane still struggles to put all the current puzzle pieces together but something tells her that the fight and this Tony guy are somehow connected.

"Maura. What were your plans for that Wednesday night?"

The next sob is stalled by a sniff and a loud swallow. She is sure Maura is frowning. "What?"

"If you hadn't had to go to the hospital because of me?"

Silence.

Jane grabs her keys and jacket and heads for the door, "Stay where you are."

* * *

...to be continued...


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER 6

* * *

It's the step Jane takes from the sidewalk to the path that jogs her memory back to the Saturday night before the conference.

It's the same step with the same foot.

It's Maura's path leading to her front door.

And the moment she steps, everything is different.

Suddenly it's early in the evening instead of almost 2am. Instead of dark windows, the drapes are now wide open with warm yellow light glowing inside.

And she can hear voices. A male and a female. She recognizes the female voice immediately as Maura.

She also remembers the fear she had felt, that the male voice was an intruder and Maura is in danger, but when she looks through the window the fear disappears, she sees that Maura and her 'male' friend both have a glass of wine each and are standing only inches apart.

She feels a lump form in her throat as she watches them.

And Jane suddenly remembers why she is here tonight, Saturday night before the conference...not early Saturday morning a week later.

It is their night...they don't make plans per-say, or decide what they will do...but they always spend Saturday night together...but Maura has forgotten.

And tonight Jane was there...not to ask Maura why they fought last week, not for a movie night or dinner, not to tell Maura she is away for a week for a conference that only three detectives out of all of the Boston area were selected for...but before the fight, that Saturday, when she had walked up that path because she wanted to tell Maura something...a happy and scary sort of something...something very private.

Something she wanted to say to Maura when Maura opened her door very much alone.

Only Maura wasn't alone.

* * *

 _It was something she had wanted to tell Maura because she only just realized that a week apart was far too long of a time to be apart, to not be working in the same building or having a run and breakfast together, or dinner, or drinks at the robber, or just sitting around having a laugh. There had been other times that she had been called away for a few days or Maura had, and she had hated it, she had only survived by keep herself busy and distracted so she didn't think about how alone she felt._

 _Or at least that's how it felt to Jane when they weren't together, but Maura wasn't alone, Maura wouldn't miss Jane like Jane missed Maura._

 _Maura was too busy right now to even think about Jane._

 _She couldn't remember what she had planned to say exactly, she never really planned much._

 _It might have sounded a little like, 'I think I might love you, Maura Isles' but with many more words and probably with wide anxious brown eyes and lots of stuttering and wringing of hands._

 _But Maura had forgotten about their Saturday's together. And worse, Maura had made other plans that didn't include her. Maura had other friends. Male friends. Male friends that Maura hadn't told her about. Her LLBFF was keeping secrets from her and forgetting the things they usually did together._

 _She swallows the lump in her throat._

 _So now, here she is, standing on her best friends porch, with her sweet and honest words caught in her throat. And 'HE' is in there with 'her' Maura. A man she has never met or even heard of, and he is taking the glass of wine out of Maura's hands so they are free to put on him._

 _She wonders how many times he has been here, how many times he has put his filthy hands on her friend. How many other men Maura has welcomed into her home that she doesn't know about._

 _Now her stomach is in her throat...and she feels sadness...deep sadness, betrayal, confusion._

 _Maura is on a date of sorts and Jane had been stupidly swooning over her BFF and only just realizes...in this moment...with the separation of only a glass window between them, that her feelings have all been one sided._

 _She stands there in complete shock, the truth like waves that run down her body to her feet leaving her heart to feel like it has stopped each time, each painful pass. It feels like a slap in the face. Like all the color has gone out of the world. Like her body is made of lead._

 _Standing on her best friends porch with the confession of a lifetime and it's all futile. It might always have been futile. Were they even really friends at all._

 _Jane bites her tongue so she won't scream._

 _She grasps the window ledge so hard her fingers turn white, as she watches Maura sway slightly in this strangers arms like they are dancing to a secret song she can't hear from the other side of the glass. She feels she is on the outside looking in._

 _The man sets Maura's almost empty wine glass down beside his own glass and leans in closer, his eyes are full of intent and his body hovers like he is claiming her. Maura doesn't resist him, she looks up at him with a twinkle in her eyes and the sweetest little smile, and Jane wants to cry._

 _"Don't kiss him." Jane whispers, her breath foggy in the crisp evening air leaving a little patch of moisture on the glass._

 _He leans down and she leans up, just a little._

 _Jane can do nothing but silently beg, "Please, please don't kiss him."_

 _But the man leans down and Maura's lips meet his, and Jane closes her eyes because she can't bear to watch. Her heart feels like a milestone dropped into the deepest ocean. Her body feels weightless. Everything hurts and every part of her body screams at her. Her brain tells her to make it stop or to forget...but she can't. She can't forget the image and she can't make it stop. She is too late. Too many missed opportunities. Maybe even just one day too late._

* * *

And she stands there now in the darkness, with the moon and stars staring at her. Her body aches again like it did that day a week ago and what she thought she wanted to remember is now burned into her mind again never to forget even though she desperately wishes she could. Maybe the crash wasn't such a bad thing. Forgetting all of it. The secret confession, the kiss...all of it.

No-one want's to remember someone they love with someone other than them. If only she hadn't come back.

She closes her eyes. Wondering if she could stop there, not quite knowing what comes next but doubtful it could in any way be good...

 _'_ _We fought Jane. You were so angry.'_

 _'_ _The fight was my fault.'_

 _'_ _I don't want you to hate me again. You would have stayed away longer.'_

She doesn't want to see anymore. She is 100 percent sure of that. Surely she can stop these memories here, stop with what she already knows, it's already too much. Maybe she should go home...but then Maura is expecting her, it would be rude to wake her in the middle of the night to force her to talk about something painful then say she was coming over and then not show at all.

She stands there, outside Maura's window, debating on what to do. She doesn't know how long she stands there but when she opens her eyes and stares at the darkened window she realizes she has to put this right. Her heart is still pounding against her ribs as she takes the three steps from the window to the door and gently raps her knuckles against the wood and waits for Maura to open the door.

* * *

 _The other her, the one from a week ago, angry and shocked and hurt...she storms the three steps to Maura's front door her feet loud, her ponytail swaying behind her, and her face hot like fire. And she pounds on the door with all her might._

 _Stern dark teary eyes meet a bright surprised smile. And in that moment, when she is eye to eye with this woman that lights up a room with just her smile, she can't think of a single word to say._

 _Maura's smile drops quickly at the dark look on Jane's face._

 _And then that man moves behind Maura, in the background somewhere, catching Jane's eye. Maura opens her mouth, worry creeping across her face when Jane lifts her finger and points. She points at Maura and then the man standing off behind her. And she can't speak because her throat is closing up on her. So she smashes her fist against the doorframe and news tears fall down her face._

 _"_ _Jane, what's wrong?"_

 _It was a twisted hurt that felt like it tore her heart in half and she can only scream. And when she can't scream anymore she is angry._

 _"_ _How could you." Is all she can say before turning and storming back towards her car. Maura calls after her and rushes to catch her. Painful heels catching up to long angry legs. Maura grabs her arm, unafraid of her, pulling her to turn, "What did I do Jane?" Maura's voice is pleading, begging for an explanation, for understanding, her eyes asking the same._

 _"You didn't tell me." She replies angrily, almost instantly realizing how pathetic it all sounded out of context but not caring._

 _"About him?" Maura asks looking over her shoulder at the strange man still in the doorway that appears completely unconcerned about what he is witnessing, "It's nothing Jane, he's not a boyfriend...just...he's...you know..."_

 _"No, it's not nothing." Jane spits back, "Friends tell friends this sort of stuff."_

 _"I would have." Maura whispers with enough fear and sadness to have persuaded Jane any other day except this one._

 _"Obviously, Maura, we aren't the sort of friends that tell each other everything. I had it wrong...yeah? My fault. Go back inside to your 'sex toy'...let him be your friend or whatever...you know what...I don't care." She throws her arms up defensively as a sign Maura has won an invisible war, and she steps backwards toward her car. Before Maura can respond she growls, "By the way...I'm away for a week. Not that you care. I'll see you at work when I'm back...Dr. Isles."_

 _She climbs in and slams her car door so hard the side mirror looks like it might fall off for a second._

 _And she drives off, the sound of the engine drowning out Maura calling after her._

 _She turns her phone off._

 _She drives home to grab her bag and get a head-start out of town._

* * *

The door opens slowly and Jane see's Maura standing there looking back at her.

Jane can't speak this time because of the guilt.

She tries but can't stop the tears that fall.

"I remember everything." Jane's voice is hoarse and broken.

Maura takes a step backwards and covers her mouth with both hands.

* * *

...to be continued...


	7. Chapter 7

I am sorry for not posting sooner. Life has been...wow...there are no words. Everyone is dealing with something sometime, I know, but sometimes it feels like the everything and the anytime are at the same time, like the whole world comes at you at once. Like life is a freight train and you forgot to get off the tracks and out of the way. Life is life. I have to wonder if I even notice the times I did get off the tracks in time to not feel the full force, I guess I don't notice, otherwise I would know what I had just missed. right?.  
Keep fighting and keep loving...because that's all there really is I think.

Anyhow...that you for your comments and reviews.  
I adore the detective sides of you all. Thank you for sharing and for showing me your love.  
As a thank you (And a chest boast)...I do want to say that "This is gold I tell you. PURE GOLD."  
I hope you love it as much as I do.

P.s. I am guessing only 2 more chapters after this one.  
This ones longer the next ones shorter.

* * *

CHAPTER 7

* * *

 _She drove the entire first half of the trip to the conference without thinking about Maura at all. It was the second half of the trip that hurt._

 _She thought at first about the guy that had stolen Maura from her._

 _Then she thought about the time Maura and her fought and were forced to take a road trip to the lakes in the same car._

 _She remembers how much it felt like fighting with her siblings, except for one difference. Family is family and no matter how bad the fights with family were, they got over it because they were family...Maura wasn't family, and although the fight felt like ones she had had with Frankie when they were younger, including that urge she had to always be right, there was that deep-down worry that every terrible word or every second the anger built, there may be no returning from it.  
_ _You couldn't gloss over it because blood is thicker than water.  
_ _Maura was water not blood, she had her own ambitions, her own likes and hobbies, her own family. And Jane always knew that if she pushed too hard it could destroy their friendship. She used to think it would be her sarcasm that would cause Maura to hate her, but Maura was too gentle and sweet too be that shallow._

 _She had yelled at Maura. Yelled.  
She was such an idiot.  
It could end up being her uncontrollable anger that would destroy something so perfect in the end.  
_ _Of course she hoped she was wrong, but she was also a realist._

 _And so she wondered if she had pushed too hard this time, and she thought about what her life would look like if Maura was not in it. It was not completely desolate but it was bleak._

 _Very bleak._

 _Could she put it right.  
Would putting it right mean she had to watch Maura date men while she pretended she was ok with it. Could they both end up happy with other people and be still friends. And, r_ _ight now she was driving away from Maura. Right now every mile was a mile further from her best friend.  
_ _Every mile she drove she sub-consciously slowed down just a little like it might somehow decrease the distance between them she was creating.  
But she didn't turn around._

 _And when she finally arrived in the early hours of Sunday morning, she got herself a motel room. And then she sat in her room thinking about Maura with 'that' guy. She wondered if Maura had taken him to her bed. If they were in bed together right now. She knew Maura had dated before but those relationships hadn't worked out, probably because Maura never put her heart it. It was all physical. No emotions. Maura was really only open and emotional with her own family and with Jane's. And those relationships were all past. This was happening now._

 _And then she tried to sleep. But every time she closed her eyes she saw them kissing._

 _Maura's soft red lips meeting his._

 _And every time, she woke in a full sweat, her heart so constricted she struggled to take a breath._

 _She would see the image like she was still on the other side of the glass. Even when her eyes were open she could see it. Like when you turn the lights off and you can still see the bright round glow from a second earlier._

 _She wanted to throw up...or kill him. But it wasn't her decision if Maura dated him. She hadn't given Maura another option._

 _She hated him more than anyone Maura had dated but she wasn't sure why._

 _She did not sleep well at all that night and when she woke early that morning, her entire body ached. She stretched and pulled herself to sitting but the ache wouldn't leave. It was like she had spent the night on concrete. Her head ached as well as her muscles and joints. And her heart felt like jelly from the constant changes it had gone through._

 _She felt like she had run a marathon._

 _She forces herself to get up and pull on the easiest clothing she brought with her. Loose baggy pants and a tee-shirt and decides to go for a run, maybe fresh air will help her clear her head._

 _A simple run proves to be too greater an expectation so she walks instead. Her mind tried to wander back to Saturday evening, looking through that window at Maura and still feeling the loss and betrayal. And every time she thought about how angry she had been at Maura...she hated herself for it._

 _Several times she thought about picking up her phone and texting Maura that she was sorry, but then the image of them together would cloud her thoughts and bring fresh hurt.  
_ _And so she clenched her jaw and distracted herself with the unfamiliar scenery.  
_ _Bright open parks, playing children, chirping birds.  
_ _The only way she can think to get through the week is to fully invest in a conference she didn't want to come to in the first place. Just so she doesn't think about what she has left behind._

 _An hour later she checks out and heads to the police orientation._

 _A woman with clipboard greets her with a smile, "Welcome. What is your name?"_

 _"_ _Uh...Rizzoli, Jane Rizzoli."_

 _The woman scans her clipboard, flips a page and scans the other side. By the time she reaches the end of the list she is frowning._

 _"_ _You are here for the conference?"_

 _"_ _Yeah." Jane grunts beginning to feel annoyed._

 _"_ _I can't see you here. Let me check with my supervisor."_

 _As the lady rushes off, Jane drops her duffel bag and sits in a comfy looking seat to wait. She pulls out her phone thinking she might call Cavanaugh. She skips through her contacts until she reaches his name and presses call. But it doesn't work. She presses call again but nothing happens._

 _"_ _Stupid new phone." She growls half wondering if she is doing it wrong._

 _"_ _Rizzoli." The lady calls as she arrives back with her supervisor._

 _Jane stands and nods at the supervisor. He looks flustered but tries to hide it._

 _"_ _Jane Rizzoli?"_

 _"_ _Yeah?" Jane growls again._

 _"_ _I am Mr Q. And I...we...well, we didn't know you were coming. You are a bit of a legend around here so it's wonderful to have you here. But it appears you perhaps didn't RSVP..."_

 _"_ _I did RSVP." Jane says as she raises her eyebrows._

 _"_ _I...well...It seems it was somehow lost then, or cancelled. But never mind. We are very grateful to have you here and will sort out a private room for you immediately."_

 _"_ _Thanks?" Jane really wants to call Cavanaugh just to growl at him for this embarrassing situation._

 _"_ _Stacey will get you a name badge and I will find you when we have sorted out accommodation." He says with an embarrassed smile. "You can head through and help yourself to the beer and nibbles."_

 _"_ _Sweet."_

* * *

"I remember everything." Jane's voice is hoarse and broken.

Maura takes a step backwards and covers her mouth with both hands.

And they stare at each other, both waiting to see what the other will do.

Jane can see trepidation behind those teary red eyes staring back at her. And for a moment, she wonders how she looked to Maura that Saturday night. She wonders how scary and angry she came across as. She had been defensive in the past and had the odd fight, but nothing that intense at least for her. She wonders if she broke her friends trust. And she hates herself for making Maura cry at all.

"I'm so so sorry Maura. I'm such an idiot. I...I hope you forgive me."

Maura hangs her head almost in relief and let's a few fresh tears fall to the ground, her own apology lost inside her throat.

"Please forgive me." Jane begs softy, her hands reach out towards Maura like she wishes to take her hand.

Maura shakes her head unable to speak under her own burden of emotions. It's not a no...it's mostly surprise and gratitude.

"Did he hurt you Maur?"

Maura frowns at Jane confused tilting her head to the side trying to understand the question, "Who?"

Jane almost growls his name not only in disgust but in hate, "Tony."

Maura studies Jane's face, her brain wondering what Jane actually remembers from last week and how accurate her memory is.

Jane starts to panic as she prepares herself, the silence far too long to be good news, "Shit Maur-, I'm sorry. Fuck. I'll kill him."

"No Jane. No. Tony didn't hurt me." Maura reassures her while reaching out and touching Jane's elbow.

"At all?"

"Not even a hair on my scalp, Jane."

Jane sighs in relief and leans against the doorframe, letting it take the weight of her world.

Maura's face softens, "Jane, please come inside."

Maura's voice is so sweet and caring that Jane can't help but start to cry again. She lets Maura help her to the couch while she tries to get control of her emotions.  
One Emotion.  
Simple relief.

Maura sits beside Jane and strokes her arm to try to comfort her and Jane looks at her, only just noticing that Maura is in a dressing gown. A very fancy dressing gown.

"I'm sorry." She says again, this time because all her out of character panicking is the reason Maura isn't asleep in her bed. "We can talk later if you need to sleep."

Maura tilts her head, a clear indicator that sleeping is not going to happen now. Not after all that and that Jane is still battling her emotions.

Somehow she was not to late.

By some miracle.

Maura is hurt by her because of the way she behaved.

Staccato breaths between sniffles and Jane rubbing her nose with her arm.

Maura doesn't understand but she smiles at the sight of it. Mostly she is glad that Jane remembers what happened but isn't still angry at her.

Lack of social skills made it hard for Maura to determine what she had done that had upset Jane so much, but that wasn't uncommon for her. She often upset Jane by comments or sticking to protocols instead of following a very confusing friend code.

So she had promised herself that she would figure out what she had done and put it right. Maybe buy Jane some chocolate with specks of gold in it. Or maybe a years supply of beer. But then the crash had happened, the cause of a problem between them was suddenly unimportant.

And now Jane wasn't angry at her and she was grateful.

* * *

 _"_ _Jane. Wait. Jane." She yelled at the top of her lungs as Jane's car drove off, "I'm Sorry!"_

 _It would have been a miracle if Jane heard her over the roar of the engine and the squeal of tires but she wondered if maybe Jane's psychic abilities might pick it up, or if Jane might see her in the rear-view mirror. But the car didn't come back even though she stood on the sidewalk for five minutes waiting. Hoping. Maybe even praying just a little._

 _She would have waited longer but Tony was calling her from the doorway._

 _Finally she turned from the road towards her front door. She was hugging herself just to hold herself together._

 _"_ _What was that all about?" Tony's voice was gruff and slightly impatient. He handed her a wine but she shook her head._

 _"_ _No thanks."_

 _"_ _What happened out there?" He tries again but there is no sympathy in his voice, no genuine caring._

 _"_ _I don't know." Maura says as she picks up her phone and calls Jane's number. It rings until it flicks over to voice message. Maura can't control the tears that fall as she listens to Jane's voice telling her that she can't get to the phone but will get back to her when she can and that the call is important to her. It's generic to everyone, Maura knows this, but part of her hopes her call really is important to Jane._

 _"_ _Jane, please call me back. I don't know what I did but I'm sorry. I can fix it. You know I would never hurt you. Please Jane. Please call me back."_

 _When she pockets her phone and turns, Tony is still there, sipping on his wine, one eyebrow raised, "Jane?"_

 _"_ _My friend." Maura says softly, hoping it is still the truth._

 _"_ _I'm sure it will be fine. Do you need comforted." Tony says stepping closer to reach for her_

 _"_ _No." Maura says taking a step back and shaking her head, "No, I don't like to be touched when I'm very upset. Sorry."_

 _Tony stops dead, his eyes checking her over. He squints at her like she doesn't make sense, "I thought you wanted to see where this went."_

 _Maura closes her eyes and sighs, "I did before...but I think I'll take a rain-check. I'm not in the mood right now."_

 _Tony purses his lips together, Maura can tell he isn't happy but right now it isn't the top of her priorities._

 _"_ _Don't you want to talk about this?"_

 _"_ _Tony please," Maura whispers, "Please don't. I think I just lost my best friend."_

 _Tony glares at her as she sits down on the couch and hugs her knees to her chest a tear tricking down her cheek._

 _He takes a step closer to her, his chest straight out, chin up, like her feels powerful enough dominate her._

 _"_ _I don't know what I did." She says through quivering lips before turning to look at him._

 _Headlights flash up the driveway as a car pulls up and Maura is on her feet running to the window, hoping it's Jane back, hoping it was all just a misunderstanding._

 _"_ _It's Angela." She says sadly as she recognizes the car and she puts her elbows on the counter and buries her face in her hands._

 _"_ _I'll get going then." Tony says as he turns to walk towards the door, "I'll see you Wednesday? I have the tickets already." He says as he pauses in the doorway._

 _Maura can only nod._

 _He leaves and closes the door behind him._

* * *

They sit on the couch with space between them. Space because Jane isn't sure Maura trust's her right now, not that she would blame her.

"Are you ok?" Maura asks softly surprising Jane completely.

Jane blinks several times to register this, "I...suppose. Are you?"

"If you aren't angry with me still then I am perfectly fine. If you won'y be angry with me then I will be happy."

Jane looks down at her hands in shame and guilt, "I had no right to be angry at you Maura. You didn't do anything."

Maura studies Jane for a minute, she notices the vein in Jane's neck pulsing faster than normal, the redness on her neckline, "Then why were you upset Jane?"

It is the question Jane can't truly answer right now. It's too complicated.

Such a simple sounding question, such a complex answer. And Jane stumbles over a few syllables by way of an answer.

"I- I can't explain right now. But I am s- so sorry Maur."

Maura smiles just a little, "Then, of course I forgive you."

Jane sighs in relief and reaches out to take Maura's hand and squeezes a thank you.

"Maura, I have a favor to ask. And I know I don't deserve it at all."

"What is it Jane?"

Jane bites her lip and gazes into Maura's eyes, "Can you hold me?"

Maura barely masks her surprise before nodding.

Jane wraps her arms around Maura's shoulders and buries her face in Maura's neck and Maura puts her arms around Jane in return.

"Thank you." Jane mumbles huskily.

"I would do anything for you Jane."

When Jane sighs in relief Maura almost cries. She can feel the stress leave and the relief wash over Jane. All those times trying to teach Jane to relax and finally she is.

Jane shifts until her face is touching Maura's and she moves her hands to Maura's arms trying to make contact with as much skin as possible.

"What are you doing Jane?" Maura's voice is curious more than anything else.

"I just need to feel touch right now. I know it's weird but it helps me feel...alive." Jane mumbles her voice high and embarrassed.

Maura relaxes against her friend, "It's fine."

They sit that way in silence for a few minutes.

"Maura?"

"Yes Jane?"

"Just wondering. If I...um...hadn't come back, like I did...ending up in hospital...what did you have planned on that Wednesday night?"

"I..I had a charity dinner, Jane."

"And you didn't go?"

"No. I went. Actually I was there when...when Kent called me."

"You went alone?"

Maura shakes her head wishing she didn't have to answer or she could give a different answer, she dreads making Jane angry again and hopes she doesn't upset her again.

"My family expected a plus one. And I had already agreed to go with someone. We have the same circles. It was easy."

"Tony?"

"Tony...yes."

"The guy from the night I...yelled at you."

Maura swallows and nods.

"Yes why?"

Jane shakes her head and squeezes Maura tighter, "I'm glad I came back then."

"You're glad you almost died. Why Jane?"

"I'll tell you tomorrow."

"It is tomorrow."

"Later then."

Maura thinks about dropping it but can't, "Why did you come back Jane? And don't tell me it's because I didn't answer my phone."

"I...I had a dream the night before...about you."

* * *

 _Jane is beyond tired by the end of the second day of the conference. Meeting so many tutors and officers and detectives from all over America. A lot of her day had been telling the same story over and over again on constant request. Her heroic act of shooting herself to stop a corrupt cop. She was grateful to climb into bed and pull the covers over her head. She hated that story...because that story was as much about Frankie and Maura as it was about her. Maura's heroic act of saving her brother. Maura holding her hand as the paramedics lifted her into the ambulance, holding her hand the whole drive to the hospital. She couldn't see it but she could feel it. Her brain had wanted to spin in circles and her body had pleaded her to stop fighting and just sleep, but she hadn't, because Maura squeezed her hand every time she began to drift away. Every time it felt like she was drifting into a dark echoey tunnel. Maura only let go when she had to. When Jane went into emergency surgery. And when she woke up from surgery Maura's hand was holding hers again. That part was not added in her story here. Everyone only wanted to hear about the drama and suspense. The officers wanted to know about when she figured out what they wanted, when she made them, what she thought would happen when she pulled the trigger with the barrel of the gun presses into her side, if she had had some sort of medical training and knew where to shoot to not die and of course...how much it hurt. No one cared how she was able to truly survive it._

 _She lay in the bed wishing she could forget. Wishing that she hadn't let Maura get so close to her...steal away her heart._

 _She closed her eyes to try to sleep. And when she finally drifted to sleep in the wee hours of the morning she fell into a nightmarish dream, only she didn't realize it was a nightmare at first, because Maura was there, in her dream, and Maura dreams were always happy. For a few moments she thought it would be a perfectly nice dream..._

Maura was sitting on her couch, her almost empty wine glass stem playing carefully between fingers. The room lit dimly, a few candles scattered across the coffee table. She looks stunning in a yellow low neck open back dress, one of the thin straps slipping down her shoulder, the slit up one side showing off a toned leg with soft white skin. It is tight fitting in the right places and flawless, and Maura looks simply amazing.

Maura looks towards the kitchen and smiles softly, it's that smile Jane loves, the closed-mouth one that shows off both her dimples at once. Even while Jane is dreaming, the image still takes her breath away.

And then someone walks towards Maura, wine bottle loosely in one hand. Jane can tell by the build and the movements that it's a man, perhaps 6 foot two. He stops in front of Maura and tips the bottle towards her glass letting the red liquid pour into it. Then he puts the bottle down and reaches his hand towards her dress strap taking it between his fingers.

Maura looks at him carefully with an almost imperceptible squint.

If he senses she is assessing him, he doesn't let on. He is bold in his movements, perhaps even presumptuous. He doesn't ask if it's ok nor does he look to see if she is in agreement with his actions.

With one finger he guides the strap up her arm and over her shoulder letting his fingers trail behind. He holds it in place and leans down to put his lips where his fingers were and presses a kiss to her collarbone.

Jane can discern Maura's hesitation. She can see the way her friend lowers her hand and leans away from him. She can tell even in her dream.

He doesn't notice. He continues to move his lips to her neck and up towards her jaw.

"Stop." Maura says gently.

The man leans back a little, "Why?"

Maura shakes her head frowning. It doesn't feel right although she isn't sure she can explain why.

"I had a really lovely night, but I'm not ready to go further right now."

Jane can see his face now, he has a manly square face and dark short hair. He purses his lips and squints at her almost unkindly, "I don't like being led on like that."

Maura swallows heavily, "I'm sorry. I just...I need some time."

He stands up straight and looks down his nose at her, "Angela is out tonight."

Jane can see the flicker of confusion in Maura's eyes.

The man puts both his hands on Maura's shoulders and pushes her backwards until she is flat on the couch, her eye's are wide with fear and shock and her chest heaves with fast shallow breaths.

"I made you look good at that charity ball...I put up with your incessant chatter. I think I deserve some sort of reward..."

And he leans down on top of her and she screams...

 _Jane can barely convince herself it really was just a dream as she sits on the edge of the bed drenched in sweat. Her sheets are strewn across the floor and the lamp and glass of water on the ground by the nightstand. Her knuckles are sore from her battle to fight her way out of the bed to Maura only to realize she is miles away at the conference.  
_ _Only to realise it was Wednesday and she had sleep through her alarm clock._

 _"_ _Just a dream.' She tries to tell herself, "I'm just upset. It's silly."_

 _She shakes her head thinking it was more like a nightmare. She closes her eyes and prays silently that Maura's string of psychopathic dates are well and truly behind them.  
_ _She feels distant and disconnected. She feels so alone. She wishes there was someone nearby that would reassure her. She wishes her ma was close enough to just hug.  
_ _She shakes her head...how could she be sure it was just a dream. Some thing felt like it had been trying to tell her since she arrived that something was off.  
_ _Something was off with that man that was with Maura._

 _She grabs her phone and tries to call._

* * *

Jane opens her eyes arms still wrapped around her friend, she pulls away from the hug to tell Maura about the dream she had, and about the background check she did on Tony, and why she rushed back that day, when some photo's on Maura's coffee table catch her eye.

The images catch her breath.

They are all the crime scene photo's from the pile-up.

Crumpled cars, most that don't really resemble cars anymore.

The top few photos are her own car, half buried in the bank of snow. The passenger side is crumpled in from the headlight to the door handle, the bonnet looks less half the length it should be. The windscreen is half torn out. There is white powder from the airbags across the dash and seats and the distance between the steering wheel and the back of the drivers seat is barely a foot. There is smeared blood on the steering wheel, some of it mixed in with the white powder.

It looks worse than she could have imagined. It looks worse than

Her words come out broken like she has gravel in her throat, "I survived that?"

* * *

...to be continued...


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER 8

* * *

Jane drives home. The images of the crash had left her feeling weak and tired and she needed to think, to understand.

She needed to be alone. She always dealt with these things alone.

She also had to make sure she didn't screw up their friendship anymore than what she had already.

But now, driving away, she felt small again, and alien, like she wasn't truly existing.

She shakes her head trying to understand it all as she pulls up to a red light. It's half three and there isn't another car on the road so she stares at the light waiting for it to change. She waits for the change which seems to be on some sort of holiday. Typically. She could have had a small kip by the time the light changes green.

She is debating whether to just run it anyway when it changes.

"Finally." She growls out loud as she puts her foot on the gas.

Out of nowhere a lady walks in front of the car and Jane scrambles to brake. She is too late and the car stops with the lady halfway through her the front of her car.

The lady turns to look at her and frowns.

Jane's face morphs from one horrified look to a slightly more horrified look. From horror of hitting a pedestrian to horror at the pedestrian unharmed yet standing in her undamaged car and looking back at her.

Yes, in her car. The woman is only visible from her waist up. Her top half seems to be in a white haze. Her legs are somewhere around the cars engine, yet she seems completely unharmed.

Jane doesn't move, she doesn't get out of the car. She wonders if this whitish glowing thing is angry, she can't quite see her features. So she remains still.

The woman shakes her head, "You shouldn't be here" she says as she turns away and walks out of the car and carries on across the road, her legs completely unharmed. She turns the corner out of sight, her glow disappears around the corner.

Jane blinks, a long and slow blink. Her mouth is so dry she can't swallow.

"Ghost." She whispers in a half assured way to herself like that conclusion, of all possibilities, is the safest.

She certainly wasn't tired enough to be hallucinating, and unless she fell asleep at the wheel she wasn't dreaming.

She takes two deep calming breaths, followed by another two, and forces her feet off the brake. She carries on home at half the signposted speed.

Her heart still beats twice as fast.

* * *

 _"_ _You have to go Rizzoli."_

 _Jane shakes her head quickly, "_ _I don't want to. I have plans. Can't you send Korsak?"_

 _"_ _There are only three spots available for the Boston region. Ralph Yoko...and he is a nice chap but lets be real...he is not exactly a shining representative for BPD. And Jonas Edwards. Smart guy but a little bit conceited. We need someone there that can give Boston a good name."_

 _"_ _What about Frankie" Or someone from the drug unit?"_

 _"_ _You're a local hero Rizzoli. Everyone knows you. And you're smart and you stand out in a crowd."_

 _"_ _I stand out because i'm tall...not because of who I am."_

 _Cavanaugh shakes his head in dismay, "You stand out because you are confident, you speak your mind and you don't take shit from anyone."_

 _Jane chews her bottom lip, "You want me there because I'm a girl and it shows how progressive we are over here in Boston?"_

 _Cavanaugh shrug slightly, "That helps. But you're also a hero...they already know you. You're the best person I can think of to be there."_

 _"_ _Its a publicity stunt. And here I was thinking you really thought I was special." Jane turns to leave, "I'm not going."_

 _"_ _Rizzoli." His tone is serious and low._

 _Jane turns slowly to face him crossing her arms and putting her weight on one leg, her defiant rebellious stance her mother would recognise easily._

 _"_ _That's not what I mean. We need you there. But...It's not an order. And I won't fire you if you don't go..."_

 _Jane snorts a laugh._

 _"_ _...but you would be doing the whole department...and me...a massive favor."_

 _Jane sighs heavily letting her arms fall to her sides._

 _"_ _Please Jane."_

 _Jane shakes her head no in an unconvincing way, her eyes pleading him to let her off the hook._

 _"_ _It will be good for Frankie to work with Korsak while you're gone...find his own feet."_

 _Jane knows he won't stop until he has guilted her into going so she concedes, "Fine. I'll go."_

 _"_ _Thank you. Orientation is Saturday. You'll be back next Friday night or Saturday depending on which day you drive back. All of your expenses are covered."_

 _"_ _Wonderful" Jane says sarcastically as she heads towards the door feeling like a terrible burden has just descended on her shoulders._

* * *

She arrives home, and as tired as she was when she left Maura's, she is as awake now.

She walks up the stairs to her apartment her mind still reeling.

She unlocks her door and deadbolts it behind her.

As she turns she see's a white glowing faintly silhouette in her kitchen.

She almost drops to her knees in panic, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hit you with my car. I didn't even see you...I-"

Her voice is wavering with the terror she feels.

"Jane?"

"Frost." She sighs in relief, "What are you doing here?"

"I came to talk to you."

The figure fades in and out a little between glowing like a ghost and looking fully human.

"You are glowing Frost."

"Occupational hazard." He chuckles but Jane doesn't smile at the joke.

He fades even more, just like the other time before he disappeared.

"Don't go Frost. Wait."

"I wasn't going."

Jane takes a step closer.

"Can you...come clear? It doesn't feel right talking to you when you aren't..."

"Human."

"No...not that..."

"When I seem more dead than alive?"

Jane nods. She needs tangible right now. Nothing feels right most of the time.

"I can't see you properly. Can't you be...like less ghosty?"

"Maybe the physical version is merely what you wanted to see last time. I am a spirit, Jane."

"This is like that movie with the kid that see's dead people?"

Frost chuckles, "Just relax Jane."

"Will that help?"

"Yes."

Jane sits down on her couch and tries to relax her fingers tapping each other and her foot tapping the ground.

"Be calm Jane."

"I can't Frost. I can't see you and I'm not sure I should be trying too. You're dead and I'm going crazy. I'm seeing ghosts."

"You're not crazy Jane. I am dead. But...you're not exactly 'alive' either."

Jane bites her lip, "What does that mean?"

"Think of something calming, Jane."

Jane rubs her palms together slowing and thinks of all the things that help calm her.

"Maura."

"Why Maura?"

"Because...I think I'm better when she is close. I feel calmer. She makes me...well...feel."

"Feel what Jane?"

Frosts figure, now looking more like frost, sits beside Jane.

"Feel...I don't know...just feel. I don't feel so out of place when she's around. I can feel my hands when she touches them. I'm going crazy aren't I."

Frost shakes his head and lifts his hat off his head placing across his knees, "No Jane. She is your link. She is the thread that holds you there...or here rather...in the physical realm."

Jane frowns and chews her lip.

"I'm getting worse though. Everyday. I feel like i'm getting further away from what I was. But I can't stay with her twenty-four seven just to be ok right? But I think I might be disappearing when I'm not with her."

"I was sent to help you stop you leaving just yet."

"Leaving?"

"Not existing in this realm."

"Who sent you?"

"It doesn't matter. I am here to help you stop this happening."

"Great...make it stop Frost, please."

"Did you figure out what had changed, Jane?"

"I...no. I don't know. But I don't think I was meant to survive that crash. I saw the pictures. No one should have survived that...But I did. Maybe that changed something."

"It was before that."

"How do you know?" Jane asks, her voice laden with desperation and she turns to face him.

"I was there."

"What? You...I..."

Jane studies his face, and he looks at her...then through her, then he turns away.

 _Frost is sitting in her car beside her, looking at her. He looks at her like he is looking right through her. And then he turns to look in the direction they are traveling and he points in that same direction. She turns to look where he points...up ahead there is chaos...the crash._

"The crash. You were there. In my car. I thought it was a dream. I thought I imagined it...you...every flashback after that you weren't there."

"You weren't supposed to remember that at all."

"Why were you in the car Frost?"

"To stop you crashing."

"I did crash."

"You were so focused on your phone, Jane, but you shouldn't have been, you shouldn't have been waiting for a call. You weren't even meant to have been on that road. If you had looked up a few seconds later than you had...it would have been too late."

"I...thank you..."

Frost smiles at her, his eye's softer than she has ever seen them.

"I still don't understand...If I wasn't on that road then I wouldn't have been rushing back to stop Tony..." Her voice chokes up in her throat at the thought of what that asshole could have done to Maura, "I had to stop him."

"Think back further."

"Futher? well...I wasn't meant to be on that road...I wasn't meant to go to that conference?"

"Are you asking? You're a detective Jane. Only you can put the pieces together."

"I don't know Frost. I don't understand. Help me."

"Think Jane...what stands out?"

"I wasn't supposed to leave the conference? But Maura...that guy..."

"Think back Jane."

"To where?"

"To when."

Jane closes her eyes. "You're being so frustrating Frost."

"You came back for Maura?"

"Of course."

"But...You left her."

"I had to. It felt wrong though...driving away. From when I left Boston...from when I left her house."

"Then why did you leave?"

"Because of him...because she was with 'him'...she didn't want me." A tear trickles out of her eye and down her cheek, but she doesn't care.

Frost edges slightly closer and speaks gently, his voice soft, "Did she know she could have you, if she wanted?"

Jane jerkily rubs the back of her hand across her cheek in a move that looks defiant, but really she is kicking herself. She kicks herself for a few minutes before she is able to talk again.

"I should have given her a choice before I accused her of making one."

Frost nods slowly, his eyes distant like he is watching something take place somewhere far away.

"I shouldn't have run away that night. I should have talk-...I was meant to talk to her. But I ran away. I never ran away before."

"You always faced your fears before."

"Shit. I was meant to tell her the truth."

"You surprised us all by going off your usual path."

"I was meant to stay in Boston."

"You walked up the path to her house."

"I ran away. Why would I run?"

"You knocked on the door and you waited, you were so so happy Jane."

"No Frost, I was so angry. Because I saw her through the window...with him..."

"She opened the door and she smiled at you."

"Yeah...And then I yelled at her."

"You smiled back at her Jane...you smiled at her...because what you saw didn't matter...you were going to tell her everything...and you were so happy, so sure, so brave..."

Jane sucks her lip between her teeth and holds her breath.

 _Maura smiled back at Jane, her face lighting up ever so slightly and then her face dropped in realization, "Shit, I'm so sorry Jane. I forgot. I-"_

 _Jane laughs softly, "Wow. You swore. It's fine Maura."_

 _"_ _It's not fine. I am sorry."_

 _"_ _Maura...I um, I need to...uh...talk...uh...to you about...well...something..."_

 _"_ _What is it? Is something wrong?" Maura reaches out to touch Jane's shoulder her face full of concern._

 _Jane shakes her head, "No. Nothings wrong. I...well...I want to take you...um...somewhere."_

 _"_ _Where Jane?"_

 _"_ _I mean. Well...I would like to take you out."_

 _"_ _Unfortunately I have company right now. And it would be rude for me to leave..."_

 _"_ _Not right this second Maur." Jane says with a half smile her eyes looking over Maura's shoulder, but the company is not immediately visible._

 _Maura squints her eyes, questioning, "Well, then when Jane?"_

 _Jane clenches her fists to control the frustration inside her, that she can't even ask a simple question in a simple way that could be understood for what it meant, "Maura...Out out. Like...on a...date. I'm asking you to go on a date with me."_

 _"_ _A date?" Maura says pausing cautiously between the two words._

 _"_ _Yeah." Jane says rubbing the back of her neck nervously, "I...I kinda like you...so...do you...uh...do you think that would be ok?"_

 _Maura raises her hand to her neckline and grasps the material her eye's blinking rapidly, "You and...me?"_

 _"_ _Uh...yeah."_

 _"_ _You and me - on a date?"_

 _"_ _Yeah...A real, romantic..." Jane waves her hand around trying to find the right words, "more than friends sort of date, Maur."_

 _"_ _L-l-b-f-f." Maura says each letter slowly, her eyes wide like a possum in headlights._

 _"_ _Jeez Maur. YES. A real date date."_

 _"_ _A...date."_

 _Jane had to force her hands to stay by her sides because her instinct is to literally facepalm._

 _"_ _Yeah. Gosh. Is it really that silly? I don't know."_

 _Maura shakes her head slowly side to side, still registering the request._

 _Jane continues to talk despite the unresponsiveness, "I thought we could try, because, well...I like you a whole lot Maura Isles, and when I think about going away for even a week it just doesn't feel right...at all. I sort of feels...wrong...like something necessary is missing. I think I might need to be close to you. I think I might...I don't know...I maybe even...love you."_

 _Maura covers her mouth with both hands and Jane can't see the smile forming behind her fingers._

 _Jane's face tries to hold firm and brave, but the edges of her lips twitch downwards in uncertainty while she waits for a reply, "You're really killing me here Maura."_

 _Maura drops her hands, so Jane can see her beaming ear to ear smile. She leaps into Jane's arms throwing her arms around her neck and hugging her tightly, so tightly Jane is sure she will bruise, but she doesn't care, she hugs Maura back with a grin of her own._

 _"_ _I can't wait." Maura whispers in Jane's ear._

 _"_ _Excuse me," Tony says from behind Maura. Both girls, still in the doorway, turn to face him, arms still around each other, Maura still smiling, Jane looking annoyed at the interruption, "I believe I am already_ _on_ _a_ _date_ _with Maura."_

 _He clicks his tongue on the word on, like it meant he had some sort of entitlement, some ownership. Like it was a dude fight for the chick and he had the bigger gun. Like a western stand-off before the quick draw and he was the sheriff. But if confidence is key...Jane has it in spades. Maura gently squeezes her arm, an assurance that Jane knows means she can go ahead and evict current company, that Jane is her choice._

 _"_ _Oh yeah?" Jane asks darkly like she would in an interrogation. Her voice so cool that Maura shudders._

 _Jane lets go of Maura and steps into the foyer, placing herself between Maura and Tony. She looks at him in a sly yet menacing way, like she had the upper hand, like it really was the wild west and she had secretly stolen all his bullets._

 _"_ _Uh..." He stumbles uncertainly. He makes the slightest movement backwards and Jane glowers at him like a wolf ready to pounce. She goes for the jugular._

 _"_ _You look shady to me. What's your name?"_

 _"_ _I..I...I..."_

 _"_ _What's the problem?" Jane says moving closer_

 _He begins to feel anger, his gorgeous lay was right there for the taking, and this tramp has just stepped on his parade, "You're my problem." He says under his breath as he glaring at her._

 _She hears him and scoffs, "I outta run a background check on your smart-arse." She pulls her badge out of her back pocket and waves it around in a casual way._

 _His eyes widen and his mouth opens, "I...I'll just be on my way." He turns and walks briskly past them both and out the still open door._

 _Jane turns to Maura and smiles, her eye's carrying a deep happiness and caring, brown pools of sparkling joy._

 _"_ _I'm glad you came over Jane. I'm sorry I forgot about our night."_

 _Jane shakes her head and smiles at her friend, "I was coming over to tell you I have to go to that stupid police conference, Cavanaugh picked me to go."_

 _"_ _You deserve it Jane, you're the best detective in Boston, you'll have a great time."_

 _Jane shakes her head, "Only while I was driving here I decided I will miss you too much."_

 _"_ _Really?" Maura steps every so slightly closer._

 _"_ _Really. Really."_

 _"_ _Then don't go Jane."_

 _"_ _I won't go. I just got here." Jane closes the distance pulling Maura into a tight hug._

 _"_ _I mean the conference Jane. Don't go. Just stay. I have a charity banquet on Wednesday and I require you to come with me. As my plus one."_

 _"_ _Can I just not show up?"_

 _Maura chuckles softly "Let Cavanaugh know that you aren't going. He will fill your spot."_

 _"_ _I'll call him in the morning."_

 _"_ _Perfect."_

 _Jane glances down a Maura's lips, wondering if their first kiss will happen on their first date. Wondering if she can resist for that long._

 _"_ _Jane. You can stay with me."_

 _"_ _Tonight?"_

 _Maura sighs and smiles, resting her head against Jane's shoulder and burying her face between Jane's shirt and soft locks of hair, "For as long as you like."_

Jane looks up at Frost, brown sad eyes, glassy and distant, "Thats what would have happened? That would have been the outcome?" She asks sadly rubbing her hands together.

"No one can know the future for sure...but It might have been." Frost says lowering his head.

Jane plays with her lip between her teeth, "I screwed up so bad. I don't know to fix this Frost."

"In case it mattered, I would have been rooting for ya. Could always tell there was something between you two. Something special."

Jane smiles at him, "Thanks. That means a lot."

"Good to know the opinions of the dead are still valued."

Jane chuckles softly, she missed his jokes. He smiles back at her.

Her smile drops as she realizes how far off track she currently is.

"What am I going to do Frost? How can I fix it?"

Frost shrugs gently, "You have to figure that out yourself Jane."

"What if I can't? What will happen to me?"

Frost frowns in thought, he makes sure to not look at Jane, to keep looking anywhere but at her, "Well, If I had to guess, I would say that you might be stuck where you are, or perhaps drift further and further from where you were meant to be."

Jane runs her hand through her hair, trying desperately not to panic.

"I'm trapped. This is a some sort of alternate reality...or something."

She looks at Frost and notices he is slowly fading away, disappearing in front of her eyes.

"Don't go yet...I need answers."

"I don't have them Jane. I have to go now."

"No...Frost...you are Doc and I'm Marty McFly and you've come from the past in a time machine to help me. Take me back...please." She pleads trying to grab him and hold him there, but she can't touch him.

Frost puts his hat on, the brim partially hiding his eyes as they look at the ground.

"Am I going to die then?...because I won't even exist anymore? Because this isn't how it was meant to be?"

Almost completely gone, Frost lifts his head, his eye's lock on Jane's and he holds her there, her expression matching his.

"You can fix this." He says, then he is completely gone.

* * *

...to be continued...

* * *

Thank you for your wonderful reviews...I hope this chapter puts the pieces together (or at least I tried to - let me know if I missed any). This wasn't how I planned the story at all when I wrote the beginning chapters.  
Can Jane fix it? Is it even possible to fix it now? Or will Jane disappear?

Blessings and thanks to all my fantastic readers. Much love. Jam xxx

p.s Sorry about all the wild west and guns stuff...I wrote that in the middle of the night a little tiny bit under the influence. :/


	9. Chapter 9

CHAPTER 9

* * *

A sleepless night full of ghosts, car crashes and running away from Maura's house, all jumbled up and non-sensical.

She wakes disorientated and confused and it takes several minutes to remember where she is.

The stress inside is surmounting to the physical pulls on the outside and her memories of how she felt so comfortable and strong in her own body are becoming increasingly distant.

In the beginning she could feel the distance between her and Maura. Distance like a rubber band, it had seemed to get more tense the greater the distance. Maura was some sort of lifeline and she could feel the almost physical connection. It had kept her strong...and fighting.

Only a few days ago she hated how the closeness with Maura reduced the tension, it caused her to fell powerlessness, and in turn vulnerable.

Now she misses that simple feeling of security and comfort. The ability to relax. To just be.

Back then she had fought against that pull, fought against running back to Maura just to ease the tension she felt, to relax and feel safe.

Now, the rubber band feels so tight it is physically harder to breath because her chest feels so tight. Distance hasn't seemed to change it.

The tension is there all the time, awake or asleep, close or far away.

And she feels weaker because of it.

She is beginning to feel like a ghost.

A tiredness she can't explain hangs over her and because of her inability to sleep well she is fast approaching the edge of her emotional limit.

She feels more disconnected and more stressed every day and wonders how much more time she really has left. How much longer she can possibly continue like this.

How long before she wants to be gone.

She is exhausted when the sunlight wakes her out of a restless sleep and for that waking moment she forgets where she is...and that she isn't sure where she should be anymore.

And when she opens her eyes to a bed in chaos with sheets strewn everywhere, the feeling that something isn't right hits her square in the chest.

That feeling that something doesn't fit.

Like a case that doesn't make sense,

She remembers.

She pulls her knees to her chest and runs her hands through her hair, unable to physically feel the friction against her palms anymore, but the movement comforts her.

She sighs heavily, not because of the exhaustion that overwhelms her, not because of that feeling that not existing would be easier than trying to figure this out anymore, but because of the emotions that come with the entire situation.

And the feeling that she is completely alone in all of this.

That no one understands.

She bites her lip as she thinks about what today will bring...might bring. She will talk to Maura, it's all she can do. It's the least she can do.

Frost might think it's fixable but she doesn't see how. She cannot think of a single thing that would make her feel even close to ok. Not even an unwanted hug from Ma.

Today she will talk this out because she cannot go back and not run away that weekend, she cannot not go to the conference, she couldn't un-mangle her car, and she couldn't make yelling at Maura go away either...those things had already happened, those things were in the past now...and she was without a time-machine.

She shakes her head, mostly to herself.

She picks up her phone and calls Maura to arrange a date.

* * *

 _"_ _Hold her. Please, hold her." Frost voice is desperate._

 _Susie shakes her head, "I can't Frost. We aren't meant to interfere."_

 _Frost sits in the passenger seat beside Jane who currently has her hands firmly gripping the wheel, subconsciously bracing herself for impact. Eyes almost fully closed and jaw tight. Time has stopped and she is unmoving as if she is a girl in a portrait or a mannequin in a window. Frost looks at her sadly like it is something truly tragic and unstoppable, "She will die if we don't help her, Chang. Please."_

 _Susie, who is sitting in the back seat, shakes her head at him, "Frost. If this is how her life is meant to end then we must let it be."_

 _Frost turns to Susie and shakes his head, "But this isn't her end. If it ends here then its's over. She will be dead and she isn't meant to die like this...not here, not now."_

 _"_ _She got here on her own Frost." Susie purses her lips sadly as she adjusts her glasses._

 _Frost lowers his head, "It isn't meant to be this way."_

 _"_ _It may not be ideal but it is the way it is...look around...it is happening right now."_

 _"_ _She isn't meant to be here."_

 _"_ _What happened? Did you do something?"_

 _"_ _I...tried to get her to go back...I did things...like remove her reservation from the conference...put thoughts into her dreams. I had to...for Maura..." Frost shakes his head._

 _"_ _Maura?" Susie pushes her bangs off her face and looks at her distraught friend, "What happens to Maura, Frost?"_

 _Frost shakes his head and looks outside the car, suspended in motion is the truck trailer almost fused to the car Jane was following which is millimeters from impacting her car, the impact point the left front headlight. The impact will throw Jane forward as the energy between the two moving objects collide, the contents, including people, of both cars at the mercy of physics._

 _"_ _Jane ran from Maura instead of facing her fears. She ran away then...now...now she is on her way back to try to fix it...but...if Jane doesn't go back...if she dies here...Maura will be forever changed."_

 _"_ _How...what will happen to Maura?"_

 _"_ _I think Maura will be haunted by their last encounter...as well as she will lose her best friend. Then she will be vulnerable...and there is a man that might take advantage of her. She will become so so angry. Forever changed for the worse. She will not even resemble her former self."_

 _"_ _Nooo." Susie chokes out her lip quivering._

 _"_ _And Jane will die. She will have to leave this place, this world, knowing she failed as a friend. Knowing that the consequences to Maura are her fault. Just like we know what we left behind...where we failed others."_

 _Susie looks in the rearview mirror so she can see Jane's face. A pale face taunt with fear and panic, her hair suspended in motion around her ears from the force of the spin, her eyes closed tightly._

 _In the past, whenever Susie ever looked at Jane she always saw Maura, her hero, and she knew how much Maura would light up when Jane was in the room. She was sure no one but her noticed this, because no-one spent as much time in the lab together as the two of them. She had seen Maura on her best days as well as her worst days...and other than the big fight they had together...Maura's bad days were always better if Jane stopped by the lab, and Maura's good days were impossibly more magical when Jane was around. Jane brought out the best in Maura._

 _"_ _And if you save her?"_

 _"_ _She will save Maura. A man was going to take advantage of Maura...tonight. In only a few hours."_

 _"_ _Hurt her?"_

 _"_ _Rape her. And if not tonight...if Jane dies...then another night."_

 _Maura was Susie's hero. The one thing Susie regretted was not telling Maura what she meant to her and how it changed her own life...however short. Susie also knows that if she had told Maura what she meant to her, when she was alive, that Maura would have been that much more confident, that much more self-assured, that Maura would have helped thousands of people by completing her book in record time...and perhaps more...and the things Maura would have gone on to do._

 _She couldn't change any of that now...Right now though...helping Jane might just save Maura from a fate worse than death._

 _"_ _Are you sure about this Frost? There will be consequences?"_

 _"_ _There will be...for me, but any punishment I get will be better than this. I think I can still turn this thing around and put it right." Frost says confidently shifting his hat on his head so he can see better._

 _Susie looks from Jane to Frost, "And...If she survives this?"_

 _"_ _It's hard to be sure...exactly."_

 _"_ _It always is."_

 _"_ _She...hopefully...will do what she was meant to do from the start. She won't have regrets because she will have done exactly what she is trying to do right now...save Maura."_

 _Susie nods, "What do you want me to do?" she asks with newfound determination._

 _Frost smiles at her and his eyes sparkle, "What can you see is going to happen?"_

 _Susie looks around at the scene outside the car, the trajectory of the car now and after colliding with another car, the speed, spinning off towards a bank covered in snow. "There will be two impacts. This first one will set-off the airbags and throw the car into a bigger spin probably throwing Jane around a heck of a lot, but at least her car will be thrown clear of the...other mess. The next impact will be the car stopping suddenly front first into that bank there. This could cause her head to hit the dash and the front end of the car will crush which will force the steering wheel into her torso. In my experience, there could be several fractures to her ribs, collar bone and sternum as well as the high potential of a broken rib puncturing her lung. She would be trapped. If the head wound, the lack of oxygen or the shock doesn't kill her...they probably still couldn't get her out fast enough to get medical attention to save her."_

 _Frost nods and grins at her, "You didn't even need a diorama."_

 _Susie smiles back, "They were always just for fun."_

 _"_ _Righto then. Are you ready Chang?"_

 _Susie nods and leans through the back of the seat wrapping her arms around Jane's torso and waist, "Like this?"_

 _"_ _Perfect." Frost says as her moves to brace his own body between the dashboard and Jane. He takes her face firmly between his hands to stop her head being treated like a piñata, "Ready?"_

 _Susie nods, "Ready."_

 _Frost smiles, "Lets take this at a nice and slow speed."_

 _The outside scene slowly comes to life, the snow starts to move so minutely that it is hard to notice unless you were looking for it. The cars slowly edge towards each other as well. Jane's car takes a full minute to move the 6 millimeters and impact the car in front, right on the front edge causing the headlight to gently shatter and the plastic pieces spray outwards like white confetti The cars scape against each other taking paint off and damaging the metal beneath, the car with the force of a tank behind it moving without restriction. Jane's car is flicked sideways and out of the way like an annoying pest. Inside the car, two passengers will protect the third with as much thought as possible as the car and it's contents begin the fifteen minute, four hundred and twelve degree spin, stopping with a deafening thud as it hits bank. Which in Jane's world lasts all of six seconds._

 _And when it ends Jane opens her eyes slowly and looks at Frost._

 _"_ _She is looking right at me." Frost says out the side of his mouth to Susie._

 _"_ _That can't be good." Susie replies quietly as she releases her grip on Jane's torso._

* * *

"I screwed up so bad Maur."

Maura shakes her head in protest, "We are fine Jane."

Jane drops her head. Fine isn't enough...fine was never enough.

"What I have to tell you is going to sound crazy. But I don't know what else to do."

Maura reaches her hand out and takes Jane's hand. She takes it and squeezes. "You can tell me anything."

The touch is cool and tingly. Jane takes a deep breath.

"I don't know how to explain...so I am going to start at the end."

"Okay." Maura gives a slightly confused frown followed by a reassuring smile.

"I think I'm somewhere in-between alive and dead and I don't know how to get back..to alive."

Maura blinks twice. Then a pause, then another blink and a head tilt. Yet the smile stays intact, "What?"

Jane huffs the breath she was holding out her nose and continues, "Something happened. And I am here but I don't really feel like I am here. Everything feels kinda strange."

Maura's smile drops completely.

"Frost thinks It might be because I should have told you something."

"What..." Maura looks completely confused, "Frost?"

"I saw him again...he told me...to fix it."

Maura shakes her head again, "I'm worried about you Jane."

"Me too." Jane says sitting up straighter, almost excited that Maura understands her concerns.

"I think I should take you to hospital."

Jane's shoulder slump, "I'm not sick Maura...I'm...like in a parallel universe because I did something that took me off the right path."

"Parallel universe?"

"Yes...maybe...I don't know. But I think I'm in danger because I'm disappearing."

"You aren't Jane."

"Not...not physically."

"Then how?"

"Arg," Jane moans loudly, "I can't explain it."

Maura looks about as confused as she did the night Jane yelled at her.

"Maur...either I wasn't meant to survive that crash...or I wasn't meant to be in that crash."

Maura bites her lip as she studies Jane's flushed tense face.

Jane puts her hands over her head and squeezes wishing everything would go away, "I need you to listen Maura, even if it doesn't make sense."

"I'm...I'm listening Jane."

"It's like I don't belong here anymore. I feel like i'm fading, like everything will carry on as if I'm not here. Only I don't want to go...not yet anyway.

Maura reaches her hand over and places over Jane's comfortingly, her brain trying to logically piece together Jane's predicament, "Jane. You had a very close call with death. That does affect people on many levels."

"Maura...I have had a dozen close calls with death...and none of them had an outcome even close to this."

Maura nods, "Right. Well...maybe some counseling might be-"

"If I told anyone else what I just told you I would be locked up in an insane asylum."

"Psychology is different now than it used to be. There are many psychical things that can cause unusual reactions in the body. Toxins. Parasites. Infections."

"I want you to forgive me."

"I forgive you Jane. I really do."

Jane smiles, "I don't want to go..."

"Don't go...I'm not sure I could bear losing you a third time in such a short space of time."

Jane squeezes Maura's hand, she feels almost nothing but holds onto the memories of how comforting and special it once felt.

"You're my best friend Jane...I want you to stay."

Jane swallows and nods. Friend...just friends. She wishes she had the courage she had that night she was going to tell Maura everything. About her feelings, her love, her desires. But her fear had forced her to keep it all inside. Once upon a time, having Maura as a friend might have been better than losing her all together. But now she may not have a choice at all.

"There is one thing that might work, but.."

"Talk to me Jane." Maura whispers gently.

"I don't want you to do anything that is uncomfortable...I just want you to be honest with me...no matter what happens. Can you do that?"

Maura's eyebrows raise ever so slightly in anticipation. "I can try."

Jane nods in a soft distinctly dismal fashion, her head and shoulders slumped, her usual confidence no-where to be seen.

"That night I yelled at you...and then left. Everything might be different if I hadn't done that...if I had done what I came over to do."

Maura doesn't interrupt.

"Maur...That day I yelled at you...I was coming over to tell you something else...and maybe if I tell you now...I can stay."

Maura raises one eyebrow.

"If I had told you then I mightn't have gone to the conference and you wouldn't have gone out with that jerk and I wouldn't have come back early and been in that crash at all."

Maura frowns, "You came back early for me?"

"Yeah. Let me explain." Jane takes a deep breath and studies Maura carefully...like it might be the last time that her friend looks at her with so much trust, and love, and caring, "I was really coming over that night to tell you that the thought of being away from you, even for a day, was excruciating...and that...I...that I..."

She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes, still afraid of the reaction, "...That I...love you."

She opens her eyes one at a time, and looks into confused intense hazel ones.

Jane bites her lip as she lets her statement sink in. Her eyes wide and hopeful.

"You...love me?"

Jane nods and Maura's frown deepens.

"Yes. Maura. Very much. More than a friend."

Maura swallows, "You came over to tell me that."

Jane hangs her head in something between shame and regret, "I was coming over to tell you...but then I saw you with your date and I think I...I know I lost my mind."

Maura looks down at their interlinked hands, "You yelled at me because you loved me?"

"Love. Yes. I'm sorry. I'm an idiot."

Maura doesn't look up, she doesn't move.

"But I didn't tell you. I ran away and then I tried to come back and stop what that Tony guy was planning to do to you, and I was in that crash...Karma for being a bad friend and an idiot maybe."

"Tony."

"He is a predator."

Maura purses her lips together in thought and pulls her hand away from Jane's, "You think you were saving me?"

Maura's voice is hollow and sad and not at all the reaction Jane expected.

Jane shakes her head, "I'm sorry. Maybe if I'd told you the truth that night instead of yelling at you and running off, you wouldn't have been in danger in the first place and I...maybe I wouldn't have been in that crash."

Maura closes her eyes and Jane nibbles her lip fervently, trying desperately to be patient.

"Maur...I'm wondering...how do you feel about that? About me thinking of you like that...more than friends."

Maura sighs but won't look at Jane, "I honestly don't know."

Any vague hope left for Jane falls completely away and she feels more distant than before even though that didn't seem possible. This wasn't how she expected it to go...after everything she saw with Frost she had expected Maura to be happy and her to be magically fixed. Everything simply returning to some sort of normal.

After a few tense minutes, Maura looks up at Jane, her face still confused, eyes almost unkind, "You yelled at me and then took off. And then I tried and tried to call you and you didn't answer me. And all this time I thought I had hurt you. That I had done something and screwed this friendship up..."

"I know...I'm sorry."

"And then the crash...and you almost died..."

Jane presses her palms together like she is begging, "I am so sorry Maura. Please forgive me"

Maura purses her lips, "I don't even know what to say right now Jane."

Jane is more stunned than she has ever been her whole life. She wants to say 'tell me you love me back and you forgive me'. But she can't make Maura feel anything. She wants to tell Maura that she is fading away from this reality unless Maura saves her...but that carries expectations of Maura that she doesn't want to impose...and it might not even be true. And if Maura says it but doesn't mean it...her heart might die of it's own anyway.

"I am so sorry Maur. I...do you need time to think?"

Maura shakes her head no.

"I'm an idiot in more ways than one Maur. You should know that by now."

Maura shakes her head again.

"Do you want me to leave?" Jane asks her voice a little broken, hope gone completely.

"You could have just told me you loved me without the rest of it."

Jane frowns but is grateful Maura hasn't kicked her out even if she isn't sure why, "What do you mean?"

"Today...you could have just told me that you loved me without telling me why you yelled and everything."

"Would it have made a difference?" Jane knows it wouldn't have...not today.

"I don't think so." Maura says honestly.

"Truth is Maur...I can't lie to you...and it wouldn't have been right. I was wrong and I couldn't just start fresh without setting the record straight."

"I wouldn't have known."

Jane smiles, "I would have known. Besides, How could you know I really really loved you if I kept something like that from you."

Maura sighs and starts to play with her bottom lip.

"I should go." Jane says pulling herself up off the couch. Resigned that what should have happened needed to happen at the time it was meant to. That she screwed up too bad for a few words to fix everything. Or maybe Frost has been wrong from the start and Maura would never love her back. Confirmed by the fact that Maura doesn't tell her not to leave, not to be silly, to stay.

And finally...finally she can't fix something and has no control over it.

Maura watches Jane as she walks towards the front door, the door is almost shut behind her when she hears Maura call out softly, "Jane?"

Jane pushes the door open, "Yeah Maur?" She has no expectations but says it in a way that Maura will know she isn't upset or hurt or angry.

"I will call you later...I just...I need some time."

"I know," Jane smiles, her eyes honest and soft, "I will answer my phone..." She hopes she can. She wants to call out 'I love you' as she leaves...but she won't.

The door shuts with a click behind her.

Jane sits down on Maura's front step.

She wraps her arms around her knees and feels herself fading further, her vision is starting blur and her head feels like it is pounding.

The least she can do...what she wants most before she disappears...is to protect Maura like she should have from the start. She would like to have been forgiven...but even if she can't alter anything from before today...even if Maura never forgives her...she can change the future.

She pulls her phone out of her pocket and swipes through the contacts until she finds Frankies number. She pushes the call button several times before the button works.

"Frankie. Hey...can you do me a solid?"

"Sure sis, what's up."

"You can't tell Maura though."

"I...I don't like the sound of this."

"There is a guy Maura has sort of been seeing."

"Ooohhkaayyy."

"He is bad bad news Frankie. He will hurt Maura is he gets half a chance."

"That gal sure can pick em."

"I need you to find a reason to arrest him and put him away. Look into his past, tail him...whatever you have to do to find enough dirt to get him off the streets and away from Maura for good. And make sure he stays clear of Maura while you're tailing him."

"He won't get near her. What's the name?"

"Tony Henry Colgrate Junior. Born eighth of February 1976. Lives in Boston."

"I'm on it."

"Frankie?"

"Yeah Janie."

"Look after Maura for me will ya?"

"Of course. Like she's my own sister."

"Good...thanks...You're the best you know."

"Yeah," Frankie chuckles, "I know."

"I love you bro." Jane says then disconnects the call without waiting for a reply.

And suddenly Jane feels lightheaded and weightless, "Wait...wait...I'm not ready to go." Jane cries out, pleading with whoever is in control.

She tries to stand but can't feel her feet.

"Jane?"

She spins towards the voice behind her and reaches out in front of her grabbing nothing.

"Maura...I'm sorry...I am so sorry."

Maura steps closer and her hand is now within reach, Maura reaches out to grab her friend who is looking sick and unsteady but her hands pass through Jane.

"Jane. No. Don't go."

Jane can hear the desperation in Maura's voice but isn't even sure Maura can hear her now...she knows it is her time, "I'm sorry Maur. I love you."

Maura starts to cry as she watches Jane try to grab her hands as she fades away, "Stay Jane. Stay."

"I can't." Jane says hoping Maura can hear her, "But it's ok...I am ok. Don't worry about me."

"I didn't believe you Jane...but I do now. I...I lov-"

And Jane is gone completely leaving Maura standing alone on her front step...they are gone from each other.

Jane surrounded by just white.

She looks around her, dark curls a stark contrast to the expanse of white.

White in all directions.

White above and below.

And after a few minutes of waiting for something else to happen she takes a small step forwards.

There is still nothing.

She wonders which way she should go since all the directions around her look the same. She turns on the spot, hoping she will see something. A sign. A direction. A person.

"Hello?" She calls out, her voice sounds tiny and dull.

"Frost?"

Silence.

Whiteness.

Bright emptiness.

"Anyone?"

She stops turning and takes a deep breath to stop the panic beginning to rise inside her.

The air is fresher than she remembers, lighter, more 'airy'. It fills her lungs and she feels the air enter them. She looks at her hands, they look normal, not opaque.

She runs her palms through her hair and the hairs tickle between her fingers and she feels the friction on her palms.

She bites her lip and feels the surge of blood rush to the place her tooth departs from.

She can feel everything again...and more. Maybe this isn't so bad.

After several moments of complete uninterrupted silence and feeling every heartbeat, every pulse, every eyelash touch as she blinks, she wonders if this is the end, if this is where she will be stuck, forever...completely alone.

* * *

 _...to be continued..._

* * *

 _Not what you expected? not what I expected either.  
One chapter to go. O.O_  
 _Thanks for sticking with me and for all you exceptional comments._ _You guys help me feel amazing and unworthy all in one go...and i can only say, 'you're wonderful, thank you.'_  
 _P.S Scoundrel73...had that song stuck in my head for a week after you wrote that...not complaining though cause i love that song._


	10. Chapter 10

_Final chapter._  
 _I so so so hope this is ok. Please let me know your thoughts. Even if you hate it. Just let me know. one word is fine. PM is ok too._  
 _Thank you especially to those for sticking with me from the start and your comments every chapter...and encouraging me too...you have no idea how much I needed it over this time and continue to._  
Blessings Jam.

* * *

CHAPTER 10

* * *

"Jane. Jane. Where are you?"

Maura falls clumsily to her knees. Her balance suddenly off as a few seconds ago she was tightly gripping Jane's shirt. Holding the fabric and trying to pull her closer. But Jane is gone...she failed to hold on as the fabric simply disappeared under her fingertips. And now her arms are in front of her, hands still clasped tightly holding only air.

She is completely alone on her porch.

Her heart explodes when there is no reply from Jane. Her heart painful like shards of glass penetrate her bloodstream. It explodes like it did a few weeks ago when she got the call about the crash Jane was in. When her phone slipped from her fingers and for a few long minutes she thought Jane was lost to her forever. That she was alone without the one person she knew accepted her exactly as she was and caused her own self-confidence to flourish, especially on the inside where only she could tell. And in that hospital room, when Jane slept, she was truly grateful that she had Jane back...she had touched Jane's skin when she knew Jane wouldn't know, she had to reassure herself that her friend was alive and still with her. It was how Angela found them, Jane asleep and Maura crying to herself with her hand around Jane's wrist, fingertips against Jane's pulse. Just joyously being reassured by her her friends constant pulse.

But perhaps she hadn't been grateful enough. Because now she was alone again...completely alone. She had watched Jane fade out of sight in front of her eyes, there was no question about it. Her hands had almost...almost been able to pull Jane back by her clothing, just for a moment, just when she thought the clothing would tear by how hard she forced it. But the fabric had simply vanished leaving her hands clasping tightly onto nothing.

"What if I can't save you like you always saved me?" She calls after her friend. Jane would find a way to save her...why couldn't she do the same. She scolds herself internally for not being more like Jane.

She sobs loudly, fists white and against her chest, "I just can't lose you again."

Only she has lost Jane again. Only Jane is gone and might not ever come back. It's like a bad dream she can't wake up from.

Her words are so broken and surrounded by sobbing, that if anyone was listening they wouldn't be able to even guess what she was calling out.

"Jane...if you can hear me...I understand what you meant now. When you said you couldn't imagine being separated from me. I don't want to imagine it but it's all I can think about right now. But I don't want to...I don't want to think about never seeing you again. I don't want to try and remember the good times. I can't even imagine having any good times without you around. I...I need you. I didn't know how much before but I do now."

She looks up into the sky, roughly where she was told heaven might be. Clouds and Sky return her gaze.

She never believed in heaven before. But right now she hoped it's where Jane would be.

"No." She cries out as she shakes her head roughly from side to side. She doesn't want to imagine Jane in heaven because then the reality is Jane is gone and not coming back.

All her dreams and hopes, seemingly shattered. Her future now confusing and uncertain.

"I won't go on without you Jane...if I have to...I will...I'll find you...I'll figure out some way to get to you."

Tears fall down her face as she buried them in her hands.

"I promise." she whispers weakly.

* * *

Jane jumps on the spot while turning a hundred and eighty degrees, and punches the air mid-air.

All her kickboxing is useless with no enemy, yet the air is lighter and the ground bouncier and she wonders if she could entertain herself this way for some while as she has for the last five minutes.

Just jumping and landing. Jumping higher and landing softer. Like the ground is made of clouds. She feels lighter than air with no-where to go and no means to get there anyway. Jump spin and land.  
But eventually she does get bored and she has attempted to experience everything possible around her. Now desensitised to that original overwhelming intensity of her senses. Now she knows these antics aren't getting her anywhere. So she sits and crosses her legs and wonders how long she will be stuck like this.

"What was I supposed to do?" she asks the emptiness, her voice fading to nothing into the expanse around her. But the sound of her own voice momentarily takes away some of vast the emptiness and she feels less alone.

"I did what I thought was right."

There is no reply not that she expects it anymore.

"I shouldn't have left the way I did that day. I know that. I was hurt...and afraid. I hate feeling vulnerable."

She can't hear any sounds around her except the slightest echo which gives her hope that the emptiness is maybe not as vast as it feels. Not endless. The sound is bouncing off something...somewhere. Maybe someone is hearing her after all.

Maybe Maura can hear her. But, probably not.

"I just...When I saw her kiss him...I just thought that...well...she likes men. She never had a female relationship that I know of. Neither did I. But...I felt so comfortable around her, and sometimes she would just...touch me...and it felt so right. So beautiful. But she never indicated there was more than friendship...I just hoped. Wished. But when she kissed Tony I realized that maybe I was wrong. Maybe those touches were nothing more than friendly touches. Maybe that look and that smile was nothing special. Maybe she only filled her fridge with my beer because she is a good hostess...or she was lonely and hoped I would come over and stay when she had nothing better to do. She was a good friend...no...a great friend. She is a great friend...the best I ever had. I just...I hoped it was more. I wanted to be the one kissing her. I wanted to be the one that made her feel like she was the most important person on the planet. But it was him...and if not him...someone else like him. Someone that wasn't me. I don't even know if she thought of me more than a friend."

Jane taps her shoe with her finger while her brain thinks back to all the moments together. The moments that seemed to scream 'not just friends'. Or at least they did to her. The sleepovers. The comments. The looks.

"I ran because I didn't want her to tell me she didn't like girls. That I wasn't her type. But it would have killed me wondering if she might have said something like 'You grew on me. You weren't my type in the beginning...not until I really knew you and then I waited for you and I'm so happy because I love you too'. I would always have wondered how she really felt. And now I'll never know."

She hangs her head down and bites her lip.

* * *

 _"_ _Sir?"_

 _"_ _Frost?"_

 _"_ _I need your help."_

 _"_ _What have you done this time my son?" The deep gentle voice questions._

 _"_ _I tried to help my friend. The one who was...in a tight spot. I...I'm not sure how to put it right...but now she is...sort of standing between here and there."_

 _"_ _Go on."_

 _"_ _You already know everything that happened."_

 _"_ _Yes. But tell me anyway."_

 _"_ _Right," Frost shakes his head trying to put the entire mess into a few words that might help his case. "Ok. My friend, Jane, from Boston...from back then...she made a mistake and acted out of character and ran away from her...other friend. So...I tried to gently push her go back and put it right. She had to go back to stop her...friend..from being harmed. I put things around her to remind her of home...of her friend that needed her. I did things...like took her name off the register at an event. I spoke to her while she dreamed. But by the time she got the message...she...because of me...she ended up in a serious car crash."_

 _"_ _She survived that." It is not a question and the tone of the deep voice indicates he already knows the reason why._

 _"_ _She is a good kid...with a really good heart. I had to made sure she didn't die...she was there because of me. I tried to get her to put things right...I tried to get her back on track...on her path...but it didn't work...It hasn't worked. Now she is living partly in her world and a little bit in this one. I don't know how to put it right."_

 _"_ _That is quite a dilemma, Frost."_

 _"_ _It snowballed."_

 _"_ _There is no perfect path."_

 _"_ _It wasn't her path to die."_

 _"_ _Are you sure?"_

 _"_ _I...yes. Absolutely."_

 _"_ _There is no other way she might have been on that road at that time in that car?"_

 _"_ _I...I uh...doubt it?" Frosts certainty fades at the question, especially repeated like that._

 _"_ _What about the other twenty people in the other cars? Were they also not meant to be there when they were?"_

 _"_ _I..."_

 _"_ _Were they meant to die?"_

 _"_ _I...I don't know."_

 _"_ _You could have instead stopped the minivan...or the truck driver. Saved them all."_

 _"_ _It was too late when I got there...The crash was happening."_

 _The long pause makes Frost wonder if he should have come at all. But a few moments ago...Jane was gone from earth._

 _"_ _What would you like me to do Frost?"_

 _"_ _Can you help her...can you put her back where she is meant to be?"_

 _"_ _Isn't she meant to be dead?"_

 _"_ _No...Yes...I mean No. She couldn't die._ _She wasn't meant to be in that car on that road...If she died then she couldn't fix things."_

 _"_ _But she was in that car on that road."_

 _Frost looks down at his feet, "Sir, I prompted Jane to go back...I just didn't know this would happen."_

 _"_ _That is why we do not interfere with their choices."_

 _"_ _I stopped her dying in the crash because I was the reason she was in that car on that road."_

 _"_ _You don't know that. If she hadn't gone to the conference...who is to say she wouldn't have been driving to another event on that same road at that same time?"_

 _"_ _Like a case?"_

 _"_ _Perhaps."_

 _"_ _But it wasn't the crash...It was the mistake she made of running instead of staying."_

 _"Mistake?_ _All human's make mistakes Barold, that's what makes them human. Little mistakes...big mistakes...but they aren't really mistakes are they...they are simply 'choices' with consequences. She chose her own path...right or wrong. Perfect or tragic. Just or unjust. Happy or sad. Just like the path you took also ended you up here. The event's that happen to people are not my doing. The free-will that is given them means they determine their own paths with their own consequences."_

 _Frost scrunches up his face not liking where this is going._

 _"_ _Barold. Your interference cost her her life." The voice is sad, not angry._

 _"_ _I saved her life."_

 _"_ _Is she alive Barold?"_

 _"_ _No" Frost mumbles, "That's why I am here now. To put this right."_

 _"_ _How can it be put right?"_

 _"I..." He pauses trying to think up the answer, "_ _She should never have left Boston. She should never have left...then everything would be...perfect."_

 _"_ _There is no perfect. Perhaps you mean better? Better than dead, or sad, or abused. Different maybe?"_

 _"_ _Perhaps."_

 _"_ _Perhaps you do not know the eventual destination of that so-called 'perfect path'. Or any other path."_

 _The silence is palatable_

 _"_ _...Sir? You know what should have happened...you know everything. She is lost now. Will you help her?" Frost says with pleading eyes._

 _"_ _The link between the physical world and the spiritual word is very delicate. Some can see it, some can sense it, yet others are completely oblivious to it. Jane's death experience has given her access to it. But you know that no-one can be in both at once. One must leave their physical body behind for their spirit to survive here."_

 _"_ _What will happen to her?"_

 _"_ _What do you think?" The voice booms but there is deep sadness in it._

 _"_ _I am sorry sir." Frost lowers his face sadly, deeply regretful, "Can't I fix this sir? I will do anything."_

 _"_ _Fixing it is tricky. Where would she be if she had run, like she did, and you had stayed clear of this, and how can we get her there?"_

 _"_ _Maybe she would have stayed at the conference. Returned safely...but her friend would have been raped. She would have...changed."_

 _"_ _Humans are always changing."_

 _"_ _It wouldn't have been fair."_

 _"_ _Life is full of injustice."_

 _"_ _I didn't want to see that happen to her."_

 _"_ _You don't know what might have happened...But it was always her choice...her decision."_

 _"_ _I understand. I get why we remain in the background now...I have learnt my lesson."_

 _"_ _Good. Because I know the plans I have for them, because I love them...but they must be willing to follow. It would be nice to let people see all the possible paths and choices and that they would always pick the right one. But that way doesn't work either...for different reasons."_

 _"_ _Can you fix this?"_

 _"_ _I can."_

 _"_ _Will you? Please? It was my mistake...not hers." Frost asks with a sad sigh._

 _"_ _You tried to prevent mankind hurting mankind, it's admirable of you, but in the future, we only prompt and pray and send special messages. We do it in subtle gentle ways. In loving ways."_

 _Frost nods, "Love lets go, love lets people make their own choices. Love doesn't control or dominate."_

 _"Yes. And l_ _ove lets lessons be learned no matter how painful."_

 _"_ _You are talking about me now, aren't you?"_

 _This gets him a smile that lights up the room with a warm light and he can't help but smile back._

 _"_ _We only interfere in small ways, unless..."_

 _Frost looks up hopefully, waiting. His eyes meet the kindest ones._

 _"_ _Unless they ask directly for our help..."_

* * *

Jane sighs, "Can't I have another chance? Just to find out what she would have said? Or even just to save her? To say a proper goodbye?"

She isn't to proud to beg, she just isn't sure what to ask for.

"I'd like her to know it's not her fault I died...or whatever this is. She might blame herself. She blamed herself when I yelled at her."

She shakes her head, she needs answers. She can't sit here forever talking to herself.

"Please...please help me. God. Please help me."

The silence feels like it gets louder. Like static in her head. She starts to feel heavy and her heart starts to pound.

She wants to plead for it to stop.

She stands to her feet and clenches her hands to steady herself. And in the distance she see's a flicker of light. She takes a step towards it but it stays the same distance and doesn't move. She lifts her foot to take another step...but instead of her foot going up and coming back down on a hard surface, it continues to rise, like she is floating, or flying.

She doesn't stop rising into the white nothing, she can't even tell if she is moving in any particular direction, only she thinks she feels air rushing past her face like she is moving.

The flicker of light gets brighter...or closer...like she is traveling towards it, or it is moving towards her...she can't tell.

It's so bright it must be heaven...or God...or...

She closes her eyes...

And it's ok...it's ok for this to be her time to go...to die...because Maura is safe...because her Ma and brothers are good...because Korsak is good too...because she is ready...

The brightness surrounds her, penetrating every fibre of her being like it is breaking apart her very DNA and becoming a part of her and it is so powerful she can't take a breath. It's love and it's wonderful and its safe...

And just when she never wants to feel anything other than this ever again...it's gone. There is nothing again.

No brightness, no loud beautiful nothingness, no air, no moving, no warmth.

But she can still feel the love surrounding her.

She forces her eyes open...

...and she's standing on the sidewalk outside Maura's, it's early evening again. It's warm again. The beginnings of stars and the last of the birds chirping their goodnight's.

And she hears the voices again, Female and Male. Maura and Tony.

She hears a clink of wine glasses and a sweet laugh.

She looks over her shoulder at the road and her car is there, undamaged, perfect.

And she just knows it's Saturday.

Last Saturday.

And she takes a step, onto that path, towards Maura's front door.

Just one step to see if she can.

She can control it this time, she knows because she can feel each footstep vibrate up her calf, and pound against her ears.

It's definitely not a memory. Memories didn't feel like that before.

"Thank you." She offers towards the sky with a smile.

A few of the brightest stars twinkle back down at her and a warm breeze brushes against her face.

She pauses for a moment. She waits for the ball to drop. For this wonderful, before the poop hit the whirly thing, reality...to just shatter in front of her...for Mauras' house to disappear and the beautiful brightness to swallow her up. Or for someone to appear and tell her she is a ghost. That she is dead.

She can sense a presence beside her, and although she can't hear it in her ears, she feels it in her spirit.

"Be brave Jane." It's so faint it could have been the breeze touching the tree leaves.

"Frost?"

"Yes Jane?"

She turns half expecting to see him but there is nothing. No-one. She can't see through the veil anymore.

"Am I dead?"

Frosts laugh is soft and cheerful, like it used to be.

"No. You are alive."

"Then I am back?" Jane says turning to look at Maura's house.

"You are."

"Thank you. God, Frost, thank you so so much."

"It wasn't me Jane. It was Him...and you shouldn't take his name in vain."

Jane nods. She knows he is right. She learned that commandment in Catholic school.

"Sorry. Will you please thank Him for me." She says softly, her voice a little broken.

"He hears you Jane. He hears everything."

"I''m so happy...I feel like I am bursting."

She stares at Maura's glowing front window, the light seeping out and leaving a glowing red hue wherever it touches.

She hears the voices from before.

"I can't believe I get to go back."

"Jane...I need to tell you something."

"Ok." Jane says with a heavy swallow.

"It was my fault you were in that crash...that's why you get a second chance today...and I am so sorry."

"But you told be how it should have been. That I did it wrong."

"You didn't do it wrong. I was wrong. Whatever happens will be whatever you choose to do. Just do your best like you always do Jane. I'm still a rookie angel and I'm still learning."

"You saved me?"

"Yes and no."

"You saved Maura?"

"You're about to Jane. One way or another."

"Maura may still reject me. What you saw may not happen."

"Maybe she will, maybe she won't. I saw one possible path Jane...but there is no perfect path. But you have to try, right?"

"Yes. No matter what." Jane smiles, "I'm not dead."

Frost grins to himself.

She feels brave. Braver than last time. She feels stronger.

"Go get her Jane. She loves you."

Her grin widens. She has another chance. One she isn't sure she deserves...but she will take it anyway.

"Bye Frost. I guess i'll see you one day."

"Not too soon though. And Jane?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't make me have to save your butt again."

Jane laughs, "I won't."

"Goodbye my dear friend."

She takes in a deep calming breath, and takes the first step courageously. The rest of the steps don't register at all. She walks the remainder of the path towards the door with a smile on her face.

She doesn't look in the window this time because she doesn't need to see any of that again. There will be no groundhog day.

Only right now matters.

She won't run away this time.

She skips up the steps onto Maura's porch and, with an uncontrollable smile, she presses the doorbell...

...END.


End file.
